Not So Happy Anniversaries

Anniversaries are a time to celebrate a milestone in a relationship, a job, something big that began X number of years ago. My husband, Jeff, and I will celebrate 10 years of marriage this June. I celebrated 6 years of motherhood this past August. These are good milestones to celebrate, but there are often anniversaries of sad occasions that mark something bad that happened to us or to someone we love. In November, my mother always notes the number of years ago that she found her two month old son dead in his crib at two months old. It is a month marked by remembrance of his short life, how old he would be now, and what might have been. These are the worst and most unimaginable anniversaries. Other bad ones include the anniversary of a spouse's death, the dissolution of a marriage or for me - the start of a life in pain.

As of this coming January, I will have lived every day of my life in pain for 3 years. Its crazy to think that when this all this started, I believed that the pain would last a few weeks or months at the very worst. Miles ago I began the search for answers, a solution and here I am hundreds of days later no further along than when I began. How can I look at this anniversary positively? Well, while many people would have fallen into depression and despair after one year of this nails on a chalkboard pain, I am still remaining positive (on most days - LOL) and fighting to focus on the blessings in my life and not the pain. Whether you have chronic pain or not, we all fight this particular fight. Its the battle to focus on the now, the present or gift that is this moment. Its the struggle to remain positive and live in faith no matter what happens.

If my mother can remain one of the most positive and friendly women you will ever meet after losing a child, battling breast cancer twice, undergoing umpteen surgeries, facing financial crises and more - then I certainly can keep going and trying to live my best life in spite of the pain. I see the beauty in my life more clearly now because of the pain. I see friends who stick by me no matter what. I see a husband who has truly stuck by me in sickness and in health. I see a generous and loving daughter who offers to rub my back when she sees me in pain. I see a mother and father who would switch places with me in a second if it could take the pain away. I see my life as richly blessed from the unique perspective of someone who lives in pain. At some point, I must have made the decision to live my life in spite of the pain, to live fully and consciously in this richly blessed life that is mine.