I've been going through a lot lately. On a scale of 1-10, my stress level has been at least an 8. I've never been good when major areas of my life are uncertain at best. Change is inevitable for me right now and that makes me nervous and excited at the same time. Change is good. I know that, but it doesn't change the fact that change is also stressful. And I believe that how I handle this stress in the months ahead will determine how my back responds. In other words, if I don't handle the stress (good stress and bad stress) well, my back pain will probably get worse. At bare minimum, it won't get better if I don't handle stress in a positive way.
What does it mean to handle stress well? I guess it means that you don't curl up in a ball in the fetal position at minimum and at best, you are unscathed by the stress. Sometimes no one can tell you are going through a lot. I've ALWAYS been good at that. With the exception of family and a few close friends, its hard to tell what I'm going through - good, bad or indifferent. I see that as a strength, but I'm sure it makes the people around me wonder, "What don't I know about Melissa?"
At the root of my unwillingness to show stress is a childhood filled with uncertainty. I'm not saying, "Oh, poor me! My childhood was rough." What I am saying is that when you have sick parents, economic uncertainty, etc., you learn to show a smile when on the inside you are very scared. My parents lost a child, faced sickness, financial crises and more without falling apart. So how can I give myself permission to fall apart facing much less? I can't and I won't. So if you see me smiling, please note that it in no way indicates that I'm just fine, doing great. It does, in fact, indicate God's strength in me and the blessings of a less than perfect childhood.
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