I HATE MORNINGS

I can barely remember a time now when I didn't dread mornings. Its my absolute worst time of day. I'm reeling from the pain as I wake up and if I wake up earlier than I need to, the pain is so bad that there is no going back to sleep until my alarm goes off. The luxury of sleeping in on the weekends rarely happens for me now. It takes me a good 45 minutes or longer to feel human again like I can face the day. There are days when its not like this, but they are few and far between. Its like waking up sick every day.

I used to love waking up in the morning. I would quickly get over the initial disappointment of the alarm clock going off and start thinking about my day. I'm a person who loves to contemplate all that my day has to offer. I enjoy the little things in life a lot. I HATE that my back pain has changed my feelings about something as precious as waking up in the morning. I miss being pain free for many reasons, but this particular loss stands out for me.

Even though the pain continues, I have totally lost interest in seeking further help. I roll my eyes at the notion of trying anything else. Those first 2 years plus of trying so many different treatments has worn me out. I don't have it in me to try to get rid of the pain anymore. Acceptance just seems more doable and sadly, more realistic. My only hope is that it is not God's will for me to live the rest of my life like this. But, if it is, I'm still a truly blessed person. The abundance of blessings in my life will sustain me whether I hate getting up in the morning or not.

Want to Make God Laugh?

It is often said that if you want to make God laugh, make plans. That isn't to say you can't and shouldn't make plans. The point is not to get so attached to those plans that you're devastated when they don't come to fruition. My plans today were to spend the morning with Jeff since we both had today off for the holiday and spend the afternoon when Kate got out of school enjoying some family time. Unfortunately, we found out that our new kitten, Simba, needed immediate medical care for a continuing eye infection. He may need to have an eye removed. So Jeff is currently in Cicero taking our Simba to see an opthamologist for animals. I didn't even know there was such a profession!

In the larger scheme of things, we make bigger plans than how to spend a day off from work. We make plans for our careers, homes, vacations, kids, and more. If you're like me, you do get a little attached to your plans. You do invest a lot of time and energy into making the things you want in life happen. There's nothing wrong with that as long as you fit in room for God to do what he needs to do in your life. Its important to say 'yes, this is my plan, but I only want it to happen if it is God's will'. I want to live under God's umbrella and that cannot happen if I don't make room for what God wants to do through me, if I don't spend time praying and reflecting on God's words. You'll miss an abundance of blessings if God isn't part of your plans.

Living with chronic pain was not part of my plan for my life. But as I've written many times, it is obviously part of God's plan for my life and it has been a source of blessings in numerous ways previously noted. Its not something I planned for and it definitely isn't what I would have chosen. But, I trust that God is using the pain to get me to where I need to be. It is part of his perfect plan for my life and by embracing it, I show my faith in His plan. I believe in His plan for my life because I know He is working through me for a greater good. Do you believe in God's plan for your life? How do you make room for God in your plans? Think about it. . . and please say a little prayer for our Simba.

Its a New Day

I started my new part time job at Legacy Environmental Services on Monday. My first couple of days there went great. I start teaching at Ivy Tech tonight. Its a very busy time in my life, but God has been taking VERY good care of me. I can sense that its a new day, a new life for me.

Jeff's tale bone has been hurting a lot since he fell down the basement stairs on Friday. Yet, he still refuses to see a doctor - MEN! It hurts him most when he sits for long stretches. Its so similar to my pain, its frightening. He had to stand up during a meeting on Monday. The drive to and from South Bend for work makes his pain worse. I feel so incredibly bad for him. My hope and prayers are that this is an acute pain situation that goes away in the coming days/weeks.

If you let yourself, you can start to feel frightened of life. You can forget that there is a loving God intimately concerned about and involved in your life. He doesn't let bad things happen to you. Bad things just happen. Its our response to these challenges that demonstrate our faith or weaknesses in our faith. In all honesty, I often forget that God is taking care of me and those I love. I have this tendency to let my mind have thought attacks fearing the worst. I've fought this weakness in my faith my entire life. When bad things happen to good people, we fight like hell to stay in faith, but it can be very difficult.

God is leading me to where He/She knows I need to be. I believe that with all my heart. There are no coincidences. Everything that happens is within God's plan for our lives. Why is Jeff hurting? Its not because God doesn't love him anymore than my pain means God doesn't care about me. God is giving Jeff & I the opportunity to learn, to get stronger and to grow in faith. Pain can be a God given gift. . . if you choose to see it that way.

What a Good Scare Can Do

It has been an incredibly BLECH couple of weeks. The week after Christmas Kate had a major asthma flare up and was coughing herself sick. On New Year's Eve, I got the stomach flu and was sick for almost a whole week. And on Friday, Jeff fell down the basement stairs. I was literally sitting down and doing some reading for my Leadership Northwest Indiana course and thinking "Wow! Maybe, things are going to calm down now. I'm feeling better. Kate's feeling better." And then I heard Jeff falling down the stairs and screaming.

I can't tell you how I got from the chair and down the stairs to him so quickly. The adrenalin must have kicked in big time. I've never heard Jeff scream like that. . . ever! He fell from the top step and landed on his tale bone at the bottom of the stairs. Oh, the irony! He hurt his tale bone, the greatest source of my chronic pain. I couldn't believe it. I laid with him on the floor wanting to suck the pain out of him. I wanted to trade places with him. I'm used to being the one in pain and Jeff being my strong, healthy rock. I realized in those early minutes just how much I love Jeff and want to protect him from anything that hurts him.

Fortunately, Jeff seems to be suffering from a bruised tale bone, no broken bones, etc. Not that he went to the doctor to get checked out - nope, he is way too stubborn for that. He's hurting though. It hurts mostly when he sits. Boy, do I know how that feels! The most interesting thing for me is that because of the past three years of pain, I have such deep compassion for people who are in pain, even for people I don't know. It is a compassion I would not have to this degree if I hadn't experienced chronic pain. I guess you could say its a gift I'll always be able to give the people around me.

A good scare like what happened to Jeff makes me realize how fragile the people around us really are - they are loaned to us for such a brief time. I'll try hard not to forget this! That's what a good scare can do - ground us in the reality that life is short. Love the people around you with all your heart. Take good care of them and take good care of yourself!

Every Day Can't Be a Cozy Day at Home

I didn't write last week because I made a commitment to myself that my focus was going to be totally on my 6 year old and our new family member, our kitten Simba. It was a TOTALLY relaxing week! Kate and I stayed in our PJs a lot. We played with our new kitten a lot. We enjoyed our Christmas gifts without leaving the couch. . you guessed it - a lot. But, by the end of the week - the stress starting breaking into our cozy little world. Christmas day was VERY high energy and that can be exhausting in and of itself. The day after Christmas can be a little depressing and for me, it also meant thinking about returning to work the next day - YUCK!

That being said, I started this week doing well. I still had that glow of a woman whose been given the opportunity to relax and spend the holidays at home. Then, after I got out of bed (LOL), my day really got started with a sick kid and a needy cat. I had to schedule a doctor appointment for my asthma stricken kid and make sure it fit in between my work appointments. I had to make sure the kitten had everything it needed before I tucked him away for the day. I had 10,000 emails to answer when I arrived at work. Where did that holidays at home, calm Melissa go? My sense of zen was quickly falling apart.

My back pain was improving (definitely not getting worse) before the stress of this week. But, I can't spend my life huddled at home stress free. I MUST learn to handle the stress. I need to focus on being balanced. My quality of life depends on it. When I don't manage my stress, the pain is worse. I learn this over and over again.

What is the key to managing stress well? Answer: I don't know. I do know that I need to work on my response to the everyday challenges of life. I need to keep perspective. I need God. . . and I've been forgetting God lately. I've been disengaged with my spiritual life and my body can tell. Time to pray. Time to deal with my stress in better ways because every day can't be a cozy day at home.

Not So Happy Anniversaries

Anniversaries are a time to celebrate a milestone in a relationship, a job, something big that began X number of years ago. My husband, Jeff, and I will celebrate 10 years of marriage this June. I celebrated 6 years of motherhood this past August. These are good milestones to celebrate, but there are often anniversaries of sad occasions that mark something bad that happened to us or to someone we love. In November, my mother always notes the number of years ago that she found her two month old son dead in his crib at two months old. It is a month marked by remembrance of his short life, how old he would be now, and what might have been. These are the worst and most unimaginable anniversaries. Other bad ones include the anniversary of a spouse's death, the dissolution of a marriage or for me - the start of a life in pain.

As of this coming January, I will have lived every day of my life in pain for 3 years. Its crazy to think that when this all this started, I believed that the pain would last a few weeks or months at the very worst. Miles ago I began the search for answers, a solution and here I am hundreds of days later no further along than when I began. How can I look at this anniversary positively? Well, while many people would have fallen into depression and despair after one year of this nails on a chalkboard pain, I am still remaining positive (on most days - LOL) and fighting to focus on the blessings in my life and not the pain. Whether you have chronic pain or not, we all fight this particular fight. Its the battle to focus on the now, the present or gift that is this moment. Its the struggle to remain positive and live in faith no matter what happens.

If my mother can remain one of the most positive and friendly women you will ever meet after losing a child, battling breast cancer twice, undergoing umpteen surgeries, facing financial crises and more - then I certainly can keep going and trying to live my best life in spite of the pain. I see the beauty in my life more clearly now because of the pain. I see friends who stick by me no matter what. I see a husband who has truly stuck by me in sickness and in health. I see a generous and loving daughter who offers to rub my back when she sees me in pain. I see a mother and father who would switch places with me in a second if it could take the pain away. I see my life as richly blessed from the unique perspective of someone who lives in pain. At some point, I must have made the decision to live my life in spite of the pain, to live fully and consciously in this richly blessed life that is mine.

Smiles Can Hide Struggle

I've been going through a lot lately. On a scale of 1-10, my stress level has been at least an 8. I've never been good when major areas of my life are uncertain at best. Change is inevitable for me right now and that makes me nervous and excited at the same time. Change is good. I know that, but it doesn't change the fact that change is also stressful. And I believe that how I handle this stress in the months ahead will determine how my back responds. In other words, if I don't handle the stress (good stress and bad stress) well, my back pain will probably get worse. At bare minimum, it won't get better if I don't handle stress in a positive way.

What does it mean to handle stress well? I guess it means that you don't curl up in a ball in the fetal position at minimum and at best, you are unscathed by the stress. Sometimes no one can tell you are going through a lot. I've ALWAYS been good at that. With the exception of family and a few close friends, its hard to tell what I'm going through - good, bad or indifferent. I see that as a strength, but I'm sure it makes the people around me wonder, "What don't I know about Melissa?"

At the root of my unwillingness to show stress is a childhood filled with uncertainty. I'm not saying, "Oh, poor me! My childhood was rough." What I am saying is that when you have sick parents, economic uncertainty, etc., you learn to show a smile when on the inside you are very scared. My parents lost a child, faced sickness, financial crises and more without falling apart. So how can I give myself permission to fall apart facing much less? I can't and I won't. So if you see me smiling, please note that it in no way indicates that I'm just fine, doing great. It does, in fact, indicate God's strength in me and the blessings of a less than perfect childhood.