I have usually written my weekly post for this blog by now, but something strange happened this week. My back pain was so in the back of my mind that I forgot to write about it. I think that's a good thing, a new thing that may be healing for me. My hyper focus on my "pain" has gone away. Do I still wake up in pain? Yes. Do I still hurt when I've been sitting for long stretches? Yes. Do I still stand up and feel stiff? Yes. But, my brain has been dismissing it and my thoughts have went into other places.
I'm certain that this has happened, at least in large part, because I've just been so busy lately at home and at work. I don't have time to worry about my back or concentrate on when the pain will go away. I don't have time for obsessive thinking about it. When we go through something very difficult, we often stay busy as a coping mechanism. Its a coping mechanism that has been working very well for me. Call it denial. Call it acceptance. I prefer to call it moving on. I prefer to think of it as letting go in the hopes that the pain will get better with acceptance that it may not.
When I think about the various ways I've approached my chronic pain situation, I feel proud at how far I've come and all that I've learned about myself and about life. I've said many times that this has been the strangest blessing I've ever had. I still wish the pain would go away. I still have the occasional moment of panic and distress that I still have to deal with this. But, for the most part, I continue to live my life. I continue to be the Type A Melissa striving to realize my dreams and enjoy my family & friends. And I thank God for all the moments I forget the pain!
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