I'm the type of person who when faced with a challenge, comes up with a detailed plan and follows it until the challenge is overcome. I get a notebook out, write down my ideas and work the list of to dos until I can say "mission accomplished!" I talk to friends, network with people in the know, read books, etc. I get the job done!
The most difficult thing about where I'm at now with my back pain is that I've worked my list and I'm pretty much out of things to try or I should say, I'm out of things I'm willing to try. I've worked my list and I'm still in pain. What do I do now? Accept the pain? Create another list? What would be on that list?
Maybe, it is not necessarily time to accept the pain, but time to let go a little. Maybe, I need to work on stress management and letting go of "the plan" for a while. It might do me more good than everything I've done combined. You never know what will finally lead to sweet relief. . . could it be that letting go of my perfectionist tendencies to over plan will finally ease my pain? I'm willing to give that a try! What do I have to lose?
Monday, August 9, 2010
Saturday, August 7, 2010
"Have You Tried This?"
I often get the following questions from well intentioned people when it comes to my back pain: Have you tried physical therapy? Have you seen a back surgeon? Have you tried a chiropractor? Yes, Yes, and Yes! So, I'm going to get it all out - all of the things I've tried:
1. Oral steroids: They helped for as long as I was on them and then, the pain always came back.
2. Physical Therapy: I tried full courses of physical therapy at least 3 times, maybe more, and the pain either stayed the same or got worse.
3. Pain Management Doctor: I saw a pain management doctor over the course of about 6 months and had 3 or 4 epidural injections, etc. to no avail.
4. Spine Surgeon: I saw one of THE BEST spine surgeons between here and Chicago. He told me that the tale bone is a very challenging source of pain and he doesn't have any surgical options for me. Thanks, Doc!
5. Cleveland Clinic: The doctor at the Cleveland Clinic in OH told me that it looked like I had some pretty good doctors at home. She didn't disagree with their diagnosis and had no further answers for me. I'm so glad I went all the way to Cleveland for that!
6. Chiropractor: I saw a Chiropractor for over 6 months. He did adjustments, a new form of traction, and get this. . . a cold laser treatment. For weeks, I had to expose my rump while a laser worked on healing my back. Yes, desperation will make you do strange things. And of course, it didn't help!
7. Rheumotologist: The rheumotologist wanted me to be treated for a genetic disorder she believes I have even though I tested negative for it - the only way to find out if I really have it is to try an injected medicine. No thanks!
8. Acupuncture: This was my most recent adventure! I'm not saying it wouldn't eventually have worked, but I'm not going to experiment with it for almost $5,000 which I could make in two easy payments or they generously offered to give me a high % loan. Gee, thanks!
9. Prayer: Now we're at the point in my list where I get to the things that have actually helped. I went from the begging prayers "Oh, God, please God take the pain away. Give me my life back!" to "Please bless me as I wait for the pain to go away. Thank you for bringing healing my way." Going from the begging prayer (which we all do from time to time) to the faithful prayer is not a short distance. But, I truly do be live that God has a plan of healing for me; it's just a matter of time.
10. Support of My Friends & Family: So many of my friends and family are praying for me. They listen to me when I'm sad, angry, frustrated, or smiling with hope. I don't think I could have gotten through the last 20 months without them.
Thank you, God. Thank you, friends & family!
1. Oral steroids: They helped for as long as I was on them and then, the pain always came back.
2. Physical Therapy: I tried full courses of physical therapy at least 3 times, maybe more, and the pain either stayed the same or got worse.
3. Pain Management Doctor: I saw a pain management doctor over the course of about 6 months and had 3 or 4 epidural injections, etc. to no avail.
4. Spine Surgeon: I saw one of THE BEST spine surgeons between here and Chicago. He told me that the tale bone is a very challenging source of pain and he doesn't have any surgical options for me. Thanks, Doc!
5. Cleveland Clinic: The doctor at the Cleveland Clinic in OH told me that it looked like I had some pretty good doctors at home. She didn't disagree with their diagnosis and had no further answers for me. I'm so glad I went all the way to Cleveland for that!
6. Chiropractor: I saw a Chiropractor for over 6 months. He did adjustments, a new form of traction, and get this. . . a cold laser treatment. For weeks, I had to expose my rump while a laser worked on healing my back. Yes, desperation will make you do strange things. And of course, it didn't help!
7. Rheumotologist: The rheumotologist wanted me to be treated for a genetic disorder she believes I have even though I tested negative for it - the only way to find out if I really have it is to try an injected medicine. No thanks!
8. Acupuncture: This was my most recent adventure! I'm not saying it wouldn't eventually have worked, but I'm not going to experiment with it for almost $5,000 which I could make in two easy payments or they generously offered to give me a high % loan. Gee, thanks!
9. Prayer: Now we're at the point in my list where I get to the things that have actually helped. I went from the begging prayers "Oh, God, please God take the pain away. Give me my life back!" to "Please bless me as I wait for the pain to go away. Thank you for bringing healing my way." Going from the begging prayer (which we all do from time to time) to the faithful prayer is not a short distance. But, I truly do be live that God has a plan of healing for me; it's just a matter of time.
10. Support of My Friends & Family: So many of my friends and family are praying for me. They listen to me when I'm sad, angry, frustrated, or smiling with hope. I don't think I could have gotten through the last 20 months without them.
Thank you, God. Thank you, friends & family!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Live Through This
My parents lost a son to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (better known as SIDS) when he was two months old, the day after his baptism. My mom found him in his crib all blue and already gone. My dad found out at work. On the day of his funeral, my parents could not walk away from his tiny little casket at the cemetery. My Grandma White gently touched their shoulders and helped them to walk away.
Every challenge I've faced in my life pales in comparison to the death my parents had to live through - the worst death - the death of a child. My parents also both lived through cancer the very same year, my mom breast cancer and my dad prostate cancer. They've been married since they were 20 and they've definitely had their ups and downs. They are truly the strongest people I know.
In part, it is looking back at the strength my parents have shown in their lives that helps me to get through all my back stuff. And like my parents, there is an abundance of blessings that surrounds my pain. My daughter is bright and healthy. My husband, also my best friend, has a really good job. I have a ton of wonderful friends and loving family. These are the good old days that I'm living through in spite of the pain. It will NOT break me! I will live through this.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
You Are What You Bear
I'm sure you've heard it as many times as I have: It is how you respond to adversity that shows your true character. In other words, the person you really are shows through in how you respond to the challenges in life. I think about this principle a lot when I'm deciding whether to indulge in feeling sorry for myself or to grin and bear the pain with strength and a positive attitude.
I tried to find the place in the Bible that talks about getting "double for your trouble," but I couldn't find it. I know it's there and what it means is that God will bless you doubly for every challenge you face. I don't think this means you'll win the lottery after facing a crisis. I think it means, in part, that you can become a better person, a stronger person after facing adversity. Becoming stronger is a huge blessing that an easy, pain free life might not provide. Not that winning the lottery wouldn't be great, but making some real positive changes in who we are is a longer lasting, more profound win!
I wish I could say that I've always chosen the positive, smile on my face attitude about my pain. A lot of the time I have, but there have been days when I let myself be grouchy, emotional and even angry about what is going on with my back. What I know for sure is that at the end of this pain (and I truly believe there will be an end),I am a better person for having faced this struggle. Strange as it sounds - it has been a blessing in disguise. Strange, huh?!? I wouldn't mind winning the lottery though!
I tried to find the place in the Bible that talks about getting "double for your trouble," but I couldn't find it. I know it's there and what it means is that God will bless you doubly for every challenge you face. I don't think this means you'll win the lottery after facing a crisis. I think it means, in part, that you can become a better person, a stronger person after facing adversity. Becoming stronger is a huge blessing that an easy, pain free life might not provide. Not that winning the lottery wouldn't be great, but making some real positive changes in who we are is a longer lasting, more profound win!
I wish I could say that I've always chosen the positive, smile on my face attitude about my pain. A lot of the time I have, but there have been days when I let myself be grouchy, emotional and even angry about what is going on with my back. What I know for sure is that at the end of this pain (and I truly believe there will be an end),I am a better person for having faced this struggle. Strange as it sounds - it has been a blessing in disguise. Strange, huh?!? I wouldn't mind winning the lottery though!
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
What About Tomorrow?
It is hard for a Type A personally like myself to not focus on the future. What will happen with my career in the years ahead? What will Kate be like as she gets older? Where will we be living 5 years from now? The questions are endless.
When you are living with chronic pain, the questions become more short term. How will I get through this morning when after 2 hours of sitting, my back is killing me? How will I sit through that whole play we have tickets for on Sunday? I spent all that $ and now I might not enjoy it as much.
When you are living with chronic pain, you start fantasizing about a future that does NOT include Ben Gay patches and trying the next alternative therapy for pain. Being able to ride a bike again becomes a big goal. Being able to live w/o pain becomes the ideal future! I have come to the realization that my pain keeps me more focused on today and maybe that is the gift in all this pain.
When you are living with chronic pain, the questions become more short term. How will I get through this morning when after 2 hours of sitting, my back is killing me? How will I sit through that whole play we have tickets for on Sunday? I spent all that $ and now I might not enjoy it as much.
When you are living with chronic pain, you start fantasizing about a future that does NOT include Ben Gay patches and trying the next alternative therapy for pain. Being able to ride a bike again becomes a big goal. Being able to live w/o pain becomes the ideal future! I have come to the realization that my pain keeps me more focused on today and maybe that is the gift in all this pain.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Are You There God?, It's Me. . .Melissa
It's been one of those days! My daughter has decided to go through a bratty phase lately. My mom fell down and had to go to the ER. And every 3 seconds my phone or email demanded my attention. And to top it all off, I have had nails on a chalk board pain in my tale bone area. And all I really want to do is curl up with a good book in my jammies and say no to the world.
It is tempting to question God on days like this. Where is God when you feel like you're losing an uphill battle? Where is God when you feel like you are merely surviving your life instead of enjoying it? Where is God? He is right there next to you watching you with love in his heart. I truly believe that! God is there to keep you calm, to keep you going. I know without a doubt that I would not be the fighter I am without His love and grace.
God is in the details on days like today. He keeps me busy with my work so I can't focus on my pain too much. He helps me focus on helping others like my mom who needed me today so I remember what I'm on this earth to do. He helps me focus on my daughter who obviously needs more guidance so she can become an adult I'm proud to call my daughter. God is in the smile on my husband's face when he walks in the door after an equally challenging day at work. God is in the hug I received last night from my friend and fellow mother who knows what I'm facing with my sometimes difficult 5 year old. God is there even when we can't imagine him being part of our chaotic lives. He is here with me and that knowledge keeps me going when I want to give up.
It is tempting to question God on days like this. Where is God when you feel like you're losing an uphill battle? Where is God when you feel like you are merely surviving your life instead of enjoying it? Where is God? He is right there next to you watching you with love in his heart. I truly believe that! God is there to keep you calm, to keep you going. I know without a doubt that I would not be the fighter I am without His love and grace.
God is in the details on days like today. He keeps me busy with my work so I can't focus on my pain too much. He helps me focus on helping others like my mom who needed me today so I remember what I'm on this earth to do. He helps me focus on my daughter who obviously needs more guidance so she can become an adult I'm proud to call my daughter. God is in the smile on my husband's face when he walks in the door after an equally challenging day at work. God is in the hug I received last night from my friend and fellow mother who knows what I'm facing with my sometimes difficult 5 year old. God is there even when we can't imagine him being part of our chaotic lives. He is here with me and that knowledge keeps me going when I want to give up.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Finding Meaning in Your Pain
Believe it or not, my back pain has made me a better person. I've grown in my faith, become stronger and more empathetic to other people facing challenges. I feel like I've gotten the lesson - slow down, enjoy your life and be grateful for the little things. Got it! Now, I want to move on, but it is just not working out that way.
For anyone who has tried alternative medical treatments for pain especially for the first time, you understand the nervousness and the struggle to remain open minded. . . oh, and keep your wallet open too because it is VERY expensive. On my first visit to a chiropractor, I had to cough up $3,000. After 4 acupuncture treatments, I was told it would cost over $4,000 to become pain free again. They get you in a little room and tell you, "don't you want to be able to have fun with your daughter again?, pick her up?, etc." Of course, I do! But, I don't need a guilt trip when I'm already in pain. It almost seems like they are taking advantage of a really vulnerable group, people like me who would do almost anything to have their pain free lives back.
Finding meaning in my pain is an ongoing struggle, to keep learning from what seems like the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Finding meaning in the mornings when I wake up figuring out what I'll need to do to function at work and in my life. Finding meaning in not being able to ride a bike with my daughter. Finding meaning in knowing that I'll really hurt if I clean my house. I continue to know that my pain is making me a stronger, better person, but I still want my life back . . .
For anyone who has tried alternative medical treatments for pain especially for the first time, you understand the nervousness and the struggle to remain open minded. . . oh, and keep your wallet open too because it is VERY expensive. On my first visit to a chiropractor, I had to cough up $3,000. After 4 acupuncture treatments, I was told it would cost over $4,000 to become pain free again. They get you in a little room and tell you, "don't you want to be able to have fun with your daughter again?, pick her up?, etc." Of course, I do! But, I don't need a guilt trip when I'm already in pain. It almost seems like they are taking advantage of a really vulnerable group, people like me who would do almost anything to have their pain free lives back.
Finding meaning in my pain is an ongoing struggle, to keep learning from what seems like the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Finding meaning in the mornings when I wake up figuring out what I'll need to do to function at work and in my life. Finding meaning in not being able to ride a bike with my daughter. Finding meaning in knowing that I'll really hurt if I clean my house. I continue to know that my pain is making me a stronger, better person, but I still want my life back . . .
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