There's No Place Like Home

I mentioned a book in a recent post called, "The Pain Chronicles" by Melanie Thernestrom. I had read reviews of this book in 3 places before I broke down and bought it. Maybe, I thought reading about other people dealing with pain would be too much, too real. Yesterday, I finally broke down and bought it and opened it up to the following statement:

"To be in physical pain is to find yourself in a different realm -- a state of being unlike any other, a magic mountain as far removed from the familiar world as a dreamscape. Usually, pain subsides; one wakes from it as from a nightmare, trying to forget it as quickly as possible. But what of pain that persists? The longer it endures, the more excruciating the exile becomes. Will you ever go home? you begin to wonder, home to your normal body, thoughts, life?"

It only took one read through these words for the tears to come for the first time in so long. I've held up good. I smile through. I tough it out. That's what we mothers do. No time to cry. Our commitment to being strong for our children wins out until it can't be won anymore. That's what happened to me this morning when I read the lines above. I cried and I mourned for the woman I used to be - so carefree, so strong. I too long for a normal body, normal thoughts, a normal life.

I was very tempted not to go to church this morning. Jeff had to work and I would be going by myself with Kate in the kids room. I just knew the possibility of me falling apart in front of others was too good to risk, but I risked it anyway. And I did pretty good until I noticed that two tables over was one of my dear friends. I took one look at her and the tears came again. The pastor's message seemed tailored for me. It was obvious God knew what I needed. Embarrassed or not, I got through the service. I'd been caught! I'm not as strong as I hope people think I am. They know that I cry too, that I'm not perfect. So now that the jig is up, what do I do? I pray and I ask that you pray for me too. . .