I went to see my primary care physician yesterday with a list of ideas on things to look into further so that I can finally get a diagnosis for my chronic back pain. He stared at my quietly while I carefully read through my list of ideas with pen and notepad on my lap. Then, he proceeded to say, "This may be for the rest of your life, Melissa. It may go away as mysteriously as it came, but it may not." Instead of excitedly agreeing to pursue getting a diagnosis, he pushed me to accept my pain. I can't say he is wrong because he might be right, but what bothers me is that he so quickly killed my hope. . . and when that's all someone has left, it seems cruel to take that away.
So now I'm faced with a critical decision - continue to pursue the diagnosis I feel I am entitled to even if it doesn't mean pain relief OR let go and hope the pain goes away some day. It seems to be a decision between continuing to be a fighter (my natural inclination) or quiet (possibly peaceful) acceptance which it totally NOT me. It is hard to know what is best for me. One thing I can still consider is heading over to the Mayo Clinic to see an internal medicine doctor who can look at my case more broadly, but that will be both expensive and potentially pointless.
I was reading about a theory of pain recently that says when you have chronic pain, it is more about a spiritual or emotional problem than actual pain. What the hell does that mean? Stress is causing my pain? Some lack of faith is at the root of my misery? Well, why are so many people who handle stress well and have more faith than me also facing chronic pain. Oh, how desperation is mental torture.
To accept or to fight? Please pray that I can come to some resolution on this.
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