Every Day Can't Be a Cozy Day at Home

I didn't write last week because I made a commitment to myself that my focus was going to be totally on my 6 year old and our new family member, our kitten Simba. It was a TOTALLY relaxing week! Kate and I stayed in our PJs a lot. We played with our new kitten a lot. We enjoyed our Christmas gifts without leaving the couch. . you guessed it - a lot. But, by the end of the week - the stress starting breaking into our cozy little world. Christmas day was VERY high energy and that can be exhausting in and of itself. The day after Christmas can be a little depressing and for me, it also meant thinking about returning to work the next day - YUCK!

That being said, I started this week doing well. I still had that glow of a woman whose been given the opportunity to relax and spend the holidays at home. Then, after I got out of bed (LOL), my day really got started with a sick kid and a needy cat. I had to schedule a doctor appointment for my asthma stricken kid and make sure it fit in between my work appointments. I had to make sure the kitten had everything it needed before I tucked him away for the day. I had 10,000 emails to answer when I arrived at work. Where did that holidays at home, calm Melissa go? My sense of zen was quickly falling apart.

My back pain was improving (definitely not getting worse) before the stress of this week. But, I can't spend my life huddled at home stress free. I MUST learn to handle the stress. I need to focus on being balanced. My quality of life depends on it. When I don't manage my stress, the pain is worse. I learn this over and over again.

What is the key to managing stress well? Answer: I don't know. I do know that I need to work on my response to the everyday challenges of life. I need to keep perspective. I need God. . . and I've been forgetting God lately. I've been disengaged with my spiritual life and my body can tell. Time to pray. Time to deal with my stress in better ways because every day can't be a cozy day at home.

Not So Happy Anniversaries

Anniversaries are a time to celebrate a milestone in a relationship, a job, something big that began X number of years ago. My husband, Jeff, and I will celebrate 10 years of marriage this June. I celebrated 6 years of motherhood this past August. These are good milestones to celebrate, but there are often anniversaries of sad occasions that mark something bad that happened to us or to someone we love. In November, my mother always notes the number of years ago that she found her two month old son dead in his crib at two months old. It is a month marked by remembrance of his short life, how old he would be now, and what might have been. These are the worst and most unimaginable anniversaries. Other bad ones include the anniversary of a spouse's death, the dissolution of a marriage or for me - the start of a life in pain.

As of this coming January, I will have lived every day of my life in pain for 3 years. Its crazy to think that when this all this started, I believed that the pain would last a few weeks or months at the very worst. Miles ago I began the search for answers, a solution and here I am hundreds of days later no further along than when I began. How can I look at this anniversary positively? Well, while many people would have fallen into depression and despair after one year of this nails on a chalkboard pain, I am still remaining positive (on most days - LOL) and fighting to focus on the blessings in my life and not the pain. Whether you have chronic pain or not, we all fight this particular fight. Its the battle to focus on the now, the present or gift that is this moment. Its the struggle to remain positive and live in faith no matter what happens.

If my mother can remain one of the most positive and friendly women you will ever meet after losing a child, battling breast cancer twice, undergoing umpteen surgeries, facing financial crises and more - then I certainly can keep going and trying to live my best life in spite of the pain. I see the beauty in my life more clearly now because of the pain. I see friends who stick by me no matter what. I see a husband who has truly stuck by me in sickness and in health. I see a generous and loving daughter who offers to rub my back when she sees me in pain. I see a mother and father who would switch places with me in a second if it could take the pain away. I see my life as richly blessed from the unique perspective of someone who lives in pain. At some point, I must have made the decision to live my life in spite of the pain, to live fully and consciously in this richly blessed life that is mine.

Smiles Can Hide Struggle

I've been going through a lot lately. On a scale of 1-10, my stress level has been at least an 8. I've never been good when major areas of my life are uncertain at best. Change is inevitable for me right now and that makes me nervous and excited at the same time. Change is good. I know that, but it doesn't change the fact that change is also stressful. And I believe that how I handle this stress in the months ahead will determine how my back responds. In other words, if I don't handle the stress (good stress and bad stress) well, my back pain will probably get worse. At bare minimum, it won't get better if I don't handle stress in a positive way.

What does it mean to handle stress well? I guess it means that you don't curl up in a ball in the fetal position at minimum and at best, you are unscathed by the stress. Sometimes no one can tell you are going through a lot. I've ALWAYS been good at that. With the exception of family and a few close friends, its hard to tell what I'm going through - good, bad or indifferent. I see that as a strength, but I'm sure it makes the people around me wonder, "What don't I know about Melissa?"

At the root of my unwillingness to show stress is a childhood filled with uncertainty. I'm not saying, "Oh, poor me! My childhood was rough." What I am saying is that when you have sick parents, economic uncertainty, etc., you learn to show a smile when on the inside you are very scared. My parents lost a child, faced sickness, financial crises and more without falling apart. So how can I give myself permission to fall apart facing much less? I can't and I won't. So if you see me smiling, please note that it in no way indicates that I'm just fine, doing great. It does, in fact, indicate God's strength in me and the blessings of a less than perfect childhood.

Laugh or Cry? I Choose LAUGH!

Do you remember the scene in Poltergeist when the irresistibly cute little girl stands in front of the TV saying "They'rrrrrrrrre Herrrrrrrre!" I sure do. The clown scene alone from that movie forever changed my opinion on clowns! That's sort of what it feels like when my back pain has been manageable for a while and all of a sudden the pain worsens BIG TIME! That happened to me over the weekend. It might be because I was fighting off a virus. It might be because I was getting in all sorts of weird positions and doing more lifting than usual as I decorated my house for Christmas and wrapped a bunch of Christmas presents. It might be because instead of resting yesterday, I decided to do a 3 mile hike in the woods. It might be because I'm really stressed out about my work situation. For whatever reason, I had burning pain by this morning and the general ache in my tail bone area was more of a nails on a chalk board pain. Yep, its back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Big sigh and an UGH!!!

Just when I start to think, I've got this covered and can handle it, I'm slowed down again. My body fails me again. Every other 34 year old woman can do what I did over the weekend and face the same challenges without life changing pain. As much as I try not to get down, I do sometimes feel messed with by this whole chronic pain crap! I told my husband the other day that as of this January, I will have been dealing with back pain for 3 years. MY GOD! 3 years of my life in pain - that's almost 1,100 days trying to figure out what I can do to live pain free again. That's over 1,000 days of figuring out how to manage my life in pain. What will it take to get over this hurdle? Will I ever be pain free again? Will it eventually get worse and stay worse? These questions haunt me and keep me up at night sometimes.

Finding meaning in your pain is easier to do when the pain is managed and you can look back and gain perspective. It is soooo much more difficult to have perspective when you're sitting on a cushion as you work because you're in that much pain. But, you gotta laugh, right? The alternative is crying and I've never been big on crying. So what could make me laugh right now? Hmmmmmmmm. . . I recently almost ate a piece of soap that I thought was a granola bar while visiting an expo booth for Au Naturel Market. I literally put it in my mouth and EWWWWWWWWWWWWW! Taking yourself too seriously never helps any challenge. So, now I'm going to try to laugh because I'll be damned if I'm going to cry.

To Relax or Not To Relax - Your Body Will Know

What a weekend I had! My husband and I stayed in a cabin at Potato Creek State Park near South Bend. We hiked, ate, ate some more, napped, read lots and basically got to know each other again. It really wasn't a good time to take a break from life. But, if we waited until things calm down, we might be waiting until Kate is 18 - no, 22 - no married - no NEVER!!!! It is amazing how a break like that can revitalize you and get things into perspective. I am definitely one to get all wrapped up in the details of life and forget what's really important. I was reminded this weekend how empowering it can be just to let go for a while.

There are many people from many different backgrounds who would claim that my chronic pain situation stemmed from something more mental than physical. In other words, toxic emotions like stress and anxiety caused my back pain. I don't know if I believe that or not, but it sure gets me thinking about the role of stress and anxiety in my wellbeing. When I was 20, I developed Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS). I KNOW that was caused by stress. It was something that totally altered my daily life, my quality of life. It came with stress and went away over time when things calmed down and I got some perspective. Maybe, my back pain came and will go away in a similar way.

What I know for sure is that poorly managed stress damages our quality of life, both physically and mentally. When I am stressed, I can't be the mom I want to be. I can't be the wife and friend I want to be. I can't have the life I want to live if I don't manage my stress. So, yes, this weekend was not a good weekend to go away. I had Thanksgiving to get ready for, leaves to rake and household chores to get done. But, can I afford not to take care of myself? Can I afford not to take care of my marriage? I believe the answer is a definite NO!

The Blessing of Forgetfulness

I have usually written my weekly post for this blog by now, but something strange happened this week. My back pain was so in the back of my mind that I forgot to write about it. I think that's a good thing, a new thing that may be healing for me. My hyper focus on my "pain" has gone away. Do I still wake up in pain? Yes. Do I still hurt when I've been sitting for long stretches? Yes. Do I still stand up and feel stiff? Yes. But, my brain has been dismissing it and my thoughts have went into other places.

I'm certain that this has happened, at least in large part, because I've just been so busy lately at home and at work. I don't have time to worry about my back or concentrate on when the pain will go away. I don't have time for obsessive thinking about it. When we go through something very difficult, we often stay busy as a coping mechanism. Its a coping mechanism that has been working very well for me. Call it denial. Call it acceptance. I prefer to call it moving on. I prefer to think of it as letting go in the hopes that the pain will get better with acceptance that it may not.

When I think about the various ways I've approached my chronic pain situation, I feel proud at how far I've come and all that I've learned about myself and about life. I've said many times that this has been the strangest blessing I've ever had. I still wish the pain would go away. I still have the occasional moment of panic and distress that I still have to deal with this. But, for the most part, I continue to live my life. I continue to be the Type A Melissa striving to realize my dreams and enjoy my family & friends. And I thank God for all the moments I forget the pain!

Stress & Pain

STRESS!!! If I ever doubted that stress makes my back pain worse, a stressful morning, afternoon or day is there to prove me wrong. I was doing great last week, feeling fine. I let myself get overly stressed out on Friday for a multitude of NOT GOOD ENOUGH reasons. By Friday afternoon, I was hurting like I hadn't in a long while. It was a big wake up call that I need to work on my response to stress.

My naturally calm, cool and collected husband often reminds me to not focus on things I have no control over. But, what else can I do to improve my stress levels? 1. Keep things in perspective. There is ALWAYS someone worse off than I am. 2. Exercise more. Exercise ALWAYS makes me feel less stressed out. 3. Meditate and Visualize. I definitely do NOT spend enough time being still, quiet and reflective. 4. LAUGH and enjoy the people in my life. Laughing makes me feel so light. My friends & family help me to keep things in perspective. There is so much we can do to reduce stress and anxiety when we really think about it.

So, now I have a list of things I can do that will help me to avoid getting so stressed out the next time around. And maybe, just maybe I won't end up in lots of pain because of poorly controlled stress. If you have ideas on things that help you relax, post them here. I'd love to hear how you manage stress. . . Until next time, live, laugh & love - the 3 big Ls!

What You Resist Persists

It has been amazing how little I've thought about my back lately. It used to be the first thing I thought about when I woke up in the morning, the last thing I thought about as I went to sleep at night and heavily dispersed thoughts about it throughout each and every day. It was a major topic of discussion. It was THE MAJOR FOCUS of my life and my energy. I was so hurt and upset when my doctor told me to move toward accepting my chronic pain. I felt like I had been slapped in the face, but acceptance has turned out to be the biggest pain reliever I've tried. My back just isn't hurting as much. Or it is hurting the same and just not getting my attention the way it did before I starting letting go of finding the magical cure to end my pain.

Another thing that has helped a lot is keeping myself busy and focused on helping others. As I wrote last week, I recently signed up to do the Susan G. Komen 3 Day Walk for the Cure in Chicago this summer. My Operation Christmas Child project with my good friend, Stephanie, is drawing to a close this week. It looks like we'll be able to donate over 100 Christmas boxes for children around the world. My daughter and I are going to help pack Thanksgiving baskets for local families in need in a couple of weeks. When I'm focused on projects like these, the pain just gets better. When I was primarily focused on various treatments and the mental torture of figuring out what would cure me, the pain was getting the better of me.

Maybe, the point of the pain is to help me become the person I really am or am meant to become. Maybe, I wasn't living the life I was meant to live. I wasn't taking enough risks, being too selfish with my time, talents and treasures. Trying to find meaning in your pain is the trick, but once you've found that meaning - your pain becomes a gift. Don't get me wrong. I still have pain. I still need to wear those damn Ben Gay patches (LOL). I'm just not letting the pain get the best of me lately and I feel the best I've felt in a LONG TIME.

When the War Is Over

If you are a mom or dad, you know how wonderful it feels to hold your child after a long day at work. For the longest time, I didn't pick my daughter up because of my back pain. Now granted, she is 6 years old and probably shouldn't be carried any longer, but she was 4 when my back pain started. I've recently decided that I'm going to pick her up from time to time because she is only going to be this little once. She is only going to want me to hold her for a short while longer and I'm not giving this up. Pain or no pain, there are many things I've decided not to give up.If I waited until I was well to do the things I want to do, I wouldn't do much.

I had thought about doing the Susan G. Komen 3 Day Walk for the Cure before all of my back stuff started. I decided against it because 60 miles in 3 days just sounded too ambitious. Last year, two of my close friends did the 3 day. I was so excited for them. When they left for Chicago that weekend, I had this sense that I was being left behind even though that wasn't rational. I wanted to be there with them. I wanted to support this great cause that wants to help women like my mom, a two time breast cancer survivor. I could wait until my back is well before I sign up to do the 3 day, but then I may never do it. If back pain is my new reality, I have to keep doing the things that I want to do no matter what. I truly feel honored and overjoyed that I will get to be a part of the 3 day in Chicago this summer.

What else have I been waiting to do until my back got well? Picking up my daughter and being a part of the 3 day are only two examples of the things I've avoided in the hopes that one day this magic bullet will come along and relieve my pain. When the war is over, I'd go home. Well, the war goes on and I'm not going to stop living because of it. I refuse! I may have to accept being in pain long term, but I don't have to accept living a life without risk and adventure. Things that I want to do might be harder because of the pain, but NOT impossible. I see that now - yet another blessing that has come from my pain.

Where Did This Story Begin?

Where did this all begin? If you've been reading my posts and don't know my story, you may be wondering how my pain started. On a cold January morning in 2008, I woke up with lower back pain. It was like a nails on a chalk board ache. I figured I had a urinary tract infection (UTI) so my doctor treated me for that, but by the time I finished my medicine I received a phone call from my doctor that it was NOT a UTI. The pain continued to get worse and worse. After my doctor ordered an MRI, he discovered that I had a bulging herniated disc. I now understand that many people over 30 have disc issues, but they don't always experience pain from it. My doctor put me on oral steroids and sent me to physical therapy. After trying several different treatments, the summer of 2009 began with me being hospitalized. The pain was so intense I could barely stand. It was during this hospitalization that my doctors determined that I had an inflamed sacroiliac joint. That's your tale bone. And I've been in pain ever since.

From doing a lot of reading and discussing my condition with my doctors, it seems clear that what began as acute pain has turned into a chronic pain condition. This means that my sacroiliac joint might be healed by now, but the pain has continued anyway. What I've moved into is a neurological condition. In other words, the pain just won't go away and no one knows why. The last time I spoke to my doctor earlier this month, he began pushing me to move toward acceptance. To some extent, that has made things less miserable for me. It was exhausting always chasing that magic bullet that would lead to pain relief. That is not to say that I'm not sad about my situation. I am. I'm just not fighting it anymore. I may take up that fight again at some point in the future, but for now I'm coming to more of a peace with the pain.

How did I get to where I am today? It began on a day like any other. I recently read a quote in a book that your life can change forever based on what can happen in a single day. That is most definitely what happened to me. The fight to become pain free became a salient part of my identity. I refused to give into this thing. I HATED it like an enemy. It saddened me like a painful relationship. And now that I've stopped fighting it, I realize how much energy it was taking to refuse to accept my situation. Things may get better. They may not, but I now refuse to remain in a constant state of fight. It is just too exhausting and the return on investment is poor.

Can Never Go Home Again

As part of my work, I hear a lot of presentations aimed at senior citizen audiences. Today, I heard a speaker on proper posture. He discussed healthy ways to pick things up off the floor, the best way to shovel/rake leaves without causing injury, etc. At 34, I shouldn't have to worry about my body the way an 80 year old should, but I do. This back condition has made me a little afraid of what can happen to my body - anything that could happen to my body. I'm no longer under the delusion that I am young and nothing can hurt me. I now know that bad things can and do happen to your body that change your entire way of life.

The desire to go back home again to my way of being and thinking before my back started hurting makes me feel sad and creates a longing in me as if I'm remembering someone who has died. In a way, someone did die, the Melissa who didn't even have chronic pain on the radar, the Melissa whose body hadn't failed her. . . yet. I long for the woman who didn't know what life had in store for her body. What would I tell the Melissa who wasn't hurting yet? Enjoy your life now. Life is precarious. You're going to need a lot of strength for this, girl! CARPE DIEM! Brace yourself - this is going to hurt you more than you can imagine in obvious and not so obvious ways.

I truly wish I had appreciated the life I had before pain became an everyday way of life for me, but I don't wish I had known what was ahead of me. It is better to focus on today, not what happened or didn't happen in the past and certainly not what things might happen to you in the future. So, I guess I would tell the old Melissa, live for today. It is a gift! I need to be reminded not to worry about what might happen to me physically down the road. I need to relax and enjoy what I have today NO MATTER WHAT. Tomorrow is not guaranteed to be a better day. We can only hope that it is.

What Doesn't Kill You. . .

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Some days I feel like telling God, "I'm strong enough! No challenges today, OK?!?" That's on a bad day. On a good day, I am somewhat comforted by the notion that our pain has meaning. There is something good that comes out of the worst times in our lives. We're more ready for the challenges in the future. We'll be more appreciative of the good times when they come.

When I think back on the most difficult times in my life, I can see how they informed my future decisions. I can understand how they impacted who I am today. For example, when I was 16, both of my parents had cancer. My dad had prostate cancer and ended up having his prostate removed. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and had a mastectomy. At the time, I wanted all of that heavy life stuff to just go away much like how I want my back pain to go away now. But, that time in my life changed me, made me grow up a little faster and absolutely made me stronger.

What we live through makes us more capable of handling what comes our way in the future. Life is not easy. I don't even think it was intended to be without challenges. The most interesting and loving people I know have lived through some really hard times. And while we often wish away our problems hoping they'll go away as quickly as they came upon us, we are better people for going through difficult times. It is what makes us more compassionate members of the human family.

The Secret to My Pain

Something very interesting happened to me over the weekend. I spent 3 days in Indianapolis hanging out with my mother-in-law. I don't have the typical relationship with my husband's mother. She & I are very compatible. Anyway, we spent our time together relaxing, shopping, dining and just having a good time. By Monday morning, I was taking two less pain pills/day and not using any Ben Gay patches for pain.

What was so different about those 3 days in Indy with my mother-in-law that led to this mysterious reduction in my pain? I was relaxed. I stepped away from the stresses of my daily life and just focused on having a good time. I was spending time with someone who I enjoy. I was doing all of my favorite things. It gave me some concrete evidence that stress makes my pain worse.

If I could reduce my stress, then my back pain would improve. That is easier said than done, but it gives me something concrete to work on during a time when I'm low on options. It is forcing me to think about things in my life that I need to consider eliminating. It is making me realize that I have more control over my pain than I realized. Maybe, I should take a class on meditation or force myself to take more time for prayer/meditation in the mornings. Maybe, I need to take a closer look at my life. Yes, that may be the secret to my pain. . .

How Did I Get Here?

During my morning prayers, I had a haunting thought. How did I get here? Here being a person who has chronic pain. Before this all got started, I could exercise, work, do anything within reason without pain and I didn't appreciate it. I didn't take care of my body the way I should have. I didn't exercise on a regular basis. I didn't always put good foods in my body. I didn't realize how dependant I am on my body for my happiness.

I've been thinking about this whole letting go, accepting my situation versus continuing the good fight. I'm trying to give myself some time to divorce myself from the situation, but it isn't going so well. I'm still thinking about it all the time. Work seems to be my only refuge. Focusing on my work is what gives me at least 8-10 hours day to escape my chronic pain dilemma, NOT the pain, but the worry about what to do about the pain.

I started Leadership Northwest Indiana (LNI) last week. It is a regional leadership program for local community leaders. Besides my wonderful family & friends, its this one bright shining light amongst the darkness that my pain causes. The whole program centers around the hope for a better community, a better tomorrow. And it forces me to think outside myself, outside my problems. Sometimes the only way to escape your problems is to focus on those around you who need you to rise up above your "stuff" and be some one's miracle while you wait on your miracle.

When Hope Is All You Have Left. . .

I went to see my primary care physician yesterday with a list of ideas on things to look into further so that I can finally get a diagnosis for my chronic back pain. He stared at my quietly while I carefully read through my list of ideas with pen and notepad on my lap. Then, he proceeded to say, "This may be for the rest of your life, Melissa. It may go away as mysteriously as it came, but it may not." Instead of excitedly agreeing to pursue getting a diagnosis, he pushed me to accept my pain. I can't say he is wrong because he might be right, but what bothers me is that he so quickly killed my hope. . . and when that's all someone has left, it seems cruel to take that away.

So now I'm faced with a critical decision - continue to pursue the diagnosis I feel I am entitled to even if it doesn't mean pain relief OR let go and hope the pain goes away some day. It seems to be a decision between continuing to be a fighter (my natural inclination) or quiet (possibly peaceful) acceptance which it totally NOT me. It is hard to know what is best for me. One thing I can still consider is heading over to the Mayo Clinic to see an internal medicine doctor who can look at my case more broadly, but that will be both expensive and potentially pointless.

I was reading about a theory of pain recently that says when you have chronic pain, it is more about a spiritual or emotional problem than actual pain. What the hell does that mean? Stress is causing my pain? Some lack of faith is at the root of my misery? Well, why are so many people who handle stress well and have more faith than me also facing chronic pain. Oh, how desperation is mental torture.

To accept or to fight? Please pray that I can come to some resolution on this.

There's No Place Like Home

I mentioned a book in a recent post called, "The Pain Chronicles" by Melanie Thernestrom. I had read reviews of this book in 3 places before I broke down and bought it. Maybe, I thought reading about other people dealing with pain would be too much, too real. Yesterday, I finally broke down and bought it and opened it up to the following statement:

"To be in physical pain is to find yourself in a different realm -- a state of being unlike any other, a magic mountain as far removed from the familiar world as a dreamscape. Usually, pain subsides; one wakes from it as from a nightmare, trying to forget it as quickly as possible. But what of pain that persists? The longer it endures, the more excruciating the exile becomes. Will you ever go home? you begin to wonder, home to your normal body, thoughts, life?"

It only took one read through these words for the tears to come for the first time in so long. I've held up good. I smile through. I tough it out. That's what we mothers do. No time to cry. Our commitment to being strong for our children wins out until it can't be won anymore. That's what happened to me this morning when I read the lines above. I cried and I mourned for the woman I used to be - so carefree, so strong. I too long for a normal body, normal thoughts, a normal life.

I was very tempted not to go to church this morning. Jeff had to work and I would be going by myself with Kate in the kids room. I just knew the possibility of me falling apart in front of others was too good to risk, but I risked it anyway. And I did pretty good until I noticed that two tables over was one of my dear friends. I took one look at her and the tears came again. The pastor's message seemed tailored for me. It was obvious God knew what I needed. Embarrassed or not, I got through the service. I'd been caught! I'm not as strong as I hope people think I am. They know that I cry too, that I'm not perfect. So now that the jig is up, what do I do? I pray and I ask that you pray for me too. . .

There's Always Someone Worse Off

I got an email this morning from one of the bravest women I know. My cousin, Jill, is the wife of a Major in the Army who is currently deployed in Afghanistan. So, she is also currently a single mom. Can you imagine taking care of two little ones on your own? I struggle as the mom of an only child and, let's face it, a VERY helpful husband. But, she does it and she does it well. She is a great mom, a great wife and one of my favorite people. She inspires me all of the time!

When we get tempted to feel sorry for ourselves, we need to remember that there are tons of people facing difficult situations. That didn't work for me last week. I was in it to win it - the battle of who can feel most sorry for themselves. And then today that email from my cousin made me think, "You are stronger than this, Melissa. You and Jill come from the same blood. You have it in you to be strong too!"

So that's what inspires me - women like Jill who face challenges with courage and strength. I'm done feeling sorry for myself. . . for now(LOL). I'm going to be strong again. I'm going to continue to fight and take good care of myself. Please do me a favor. If/when you pray, please pray for my cousin who needs God's grace and strength now more than ever.

Woe Is Me: A Top 10 List of Things I'm Sick of. . .

In the spirit of self pity, here is my TOP 10 LIST of things I'm sick of at this point:

10. I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself!
9. I'm sick of talking about my back!
8. I'm sick of wondering if I've been misdiagnosed and trying to figure out what is really going on with my body.
7. I'm sick of waking up in pain.
6. I'm sick of wondering if my life will always be like this.
5. I'm sick of Ben Gay patches!
4. I'm sick of smelling like Ben Gay patches! (LOL)
3. I'm sick of worrying my daughter and husband who want me to get well so badly.
2. I'm sick of using my open lunch hours to rest so I can get through the rest of the day in pain.
1. I'm sick of sucking it up and smiling anyway.

Boy, I'm just a bowl full of cheeriness this morning, aren't I? I am just in no mood to mask my current state of annoyance with this situation. As the two year marker approaches, I'm simply angry that this is still on the radar for me.

I'll get back to my suck it up and optimistic self soon, but for now I'm letting myself feel what I feel - sad and angry. Forgive me for not being myself but please understand that pain can beat down who you are from time to time. It is in charge and I am at its mercy. That is what it feels like to live in pain.

Keeping It Real

I am really NOT in the mood to be positive and cheery today. I'm in the mood to be totally honest. I'm definitely struggling with the back pain. The pain has been a little worse lately, but that is normal for me. The intensity changes all the time. One week it is very manageable and the next I want to scream. And on top of being in more pain lately, I just haven't been able to muster up the energy to grin and bear it. There is a time and a season for everything, right? Well, this must be the season for feeling low and blue.

I called my mom today just to hear the voice of the one person who I've always wanted near when I don't feel well. No one cares like mom, right? Husbands care. Friends care, but mom would set herself on fire for you if it meant she could 'make it all better.' I am lucky to have that kind of mom. I did feel better after talking to her, but I'm still low and I have to force myself to see that feeling what I feel is acceptable and normal.

I can't always be Mrs. Positive Driven Enthusiastic Melissa. Sometimes I need to lay low, pull into my shell and feel what I feel. You can't rush through the emotions and thoughts you are having. Well, I guess you can, but that isn't being kind to yourself. My body is going through too much for me to put it through the stress of stuffing my feelings too. If you are reading this, I ask for your prayers. I accept and believe that I need them. I believe God could work through you to bring me the miracle I need.

WHEN YOUR DOCTORS GIVE UP ON YOU!

I just read a fascinating article about chronic pain especially as it effects women. In this month's issue of O Magazine, I read the following in an interview piece with the author of "The Pain Chronicles," Melanie Thernstrom, herself a chornic pain sufferer: "Studies have shown that pain in women is viewed much more skeptically than in men. . . women generally have a lower pain tolerance [than men]." In other words, while women experience pain more intensely, we are taken less seriously by medical professionals. This is consistent with an experience I had with my primary care physician. I brought Jeff along with me to an appointment out of fear that my doctor wouldn't take me seirously. While I was describing my pain, he looked at my husband and said, "Is she always like this?" I wanted to hit him and HARD!

The article went on to say that there are 70 millions Americans suffering with chronic pain and it is one of the most under treated diseases. I feel like I could go on forever in pain taking my Tramadol and Tylenol without any of my doctors really caring or looking into things further to find out if we are missing something. I have often wondered if there is a missing piece to this puzzle that has become my life in pain. In fact, I have an appointment with my doctor in a couple of weeks and I am going to push him to look into some other areas for answers. I have to fight to get the answers I need and I need a proper diagnosis that makes sense to me. I deserve that!

We treat our medical professionals like they are better than us when they are simply providing a service and we should expect good service. It is no different than going into a store to buy furniture, more serious, but not different. Like we expect to have our furniture delivered within a certain period of time, we should expect our doctor to do his or her best to find out why we are in pain and to not give up on us. I never thought I would be in my current situation - in pain without the support of my chosen medical professionals. It makes me really mad when I'm not equally sad about it. But, the fight continues because as I always say to nauseum - I WON'T GIVE UP! They might have given up on me, but I haven't!

[Reference: "Pain & Prejudice." Jennifer Kahn's Interview with Melanie Thernstrom. September 2010 issue of O Magazine]

CARPE DIEM & Other Ways of Dealing with Pain

When you're in pain, there are numerous ways to respond. First, you can give into the pain, lay on the couch and be miserable. Sometimes that is the most you can expect of yourself depending on how bad the pain is. Second, you can keep your mind and/or body as busy as possible so that you don't notice the pain as much. Third, you can meditate, pray and work on staying as relaxed as possible no matter how bad the pain gets. Finally, you can feel sorry for yourself and be angry.

No matter what you choose, the pain is there and you must deal with it. Your personality often dictates what you decided to do. In the early months of my back pain, I did a lot of the feeling sorry for yourself and/or getting angry. Over time, I worked on staying busy and/or praying and meditating. That is not to say I don't ever indulge in "Why me?", laying on the couch stuff. I do and it serves a purpose and then, I move on to more productive ways of living my life. I'm not pain free for now and I have to decide to make the most of my life even when I'm in a lot of pain.

There are people in this world, millions of them, worse off them me. I can walk. I am relatively healthy. I have a lot of resources at my disposal. I have a lot of good friends & family. My life is good! And I refuse to think that I have it that bad because of a condition that I may end up with for a long time. I choose to enjoy my life and make the most of it no matter what. This is my life and I'm going to seize the day no matter what. CARPE DIEM!

Change Can Be Scary Even When Its Good

Life is really good, but scary sometimes too. Katelyn starts Kindergarten this week. I think I'm more nervous than she is, but I wouldn't know with much certainty. She tends to take after her Daddy and not talk about her worries very much. I think change is good, but I've never done very well with it. Even when it is good change, it makes me nervous. My daughter is growing up and that's exactly what we all want as parents, but it is also the beginning of the long goodbye. It seems like just yesterday I was crying as I took her crib apart and then she was off to preschool and now real school.

I've heard many times that our relationship with change is our relationship with life because life is constant change. Over time, I've gotten better with the change. When I was young, I used to wake my mom up and tell her, "Wake up! I can't sleep. I'm worried!" This usually took place the night before something big like the start of school, etc. Since that time, I've grown enough emotionally and spiritually so that change at least doesn't keep me up at night. Not like Jeff would stay awake and talk about my feelings until 4 a.m. like mom always did (LOL).

A lot of what I've dealt with when it comes to my back pain involves change and acceptance of a new way of life. My days are different now because of a change that happened virtually overnight. I woke up in pain one cold morning at the beginning of a new year in 2009. Things have never been the same since then and I resisted that full force for a long time. Acceptance of my back situation has brought a lot more peace and inner strength to my life. My relationship with my chronic pain situation is my relationship to life? If that's the case, I've grown a lot since those late nights sneaking into my mom's room for comfort (LOL).

'No Man Is A Failure Who Has Friends'

What do your family and friends mean to you when you are in pain? For me, they have meant the difference between keeping my head above water and drowning. There are so many friends and family members who have helped me to get through my back stuff since it started in January of 2009. My husband has taken on more than his fair share to keep our home clean and dinner on the table. No one knows my pain more than Jeff, the man who helps me get the Ben Gay patches on my back each night before bed. They can be surprisingly difficult to get on by yourself (LOL). It is clear to me that Jeff took the vow “in sickness and in health” very seriously. Thank you, Jeff!

My dad, mom and mother-in-law have been hugely supportive of me as well. Hugging me when I needed a good cry and putting up with my endless conjectures on what I could or should do next. I am so grateful for my friends who also listened to me go on and on about my back over coffee, lunch, dinner, etc. I am truly blessed with some of the most wonderful girlfriends. My coworkers have been very supportive as well. It is so cool to know that the people in your life want you to get well almost as much as you do. This experience has made me feel like Jimmy Stuart in “It’s A Wonderful Life”: “No man is a failure who has friends.” And I do, indeed, have wonderful family and friends!

Finally, I must note my beautiful daughter. I want to show her how to rise above the challenges in life with faith. She prays for me at every meal: “Please let mommy’s back get well.” She rubs my back when we read books. One look into her little face and I know I can do more than get through the pain. I am empowered to show her that we are not defined by our challenges, but by how we respond to them. I will show her how God can help you shine in the face of adversity!

AS SAFE AS HOUSES

I've recently read in a book and heard on TV the old phrase, "safe as houses." In The Shining, the hotel manager claims that a broken down elevator is "safe as houses." I love that phrase! "Safe as Houses." It conjures up all the warm and relaxing notions we tie to our homes. Our homes are our refuge, our place to come in from the storms we sometimes face in our daily lives. My home has definitely served that purpose for me especially since my back pain started.

When the pain is really bad, one of the biggest things that gets me through is the fact that I get to come home at the end of the day and rest in my living room or bedroom. I feel so safe in our little house. Nothing can hurt me when I'm cozied up in bed reading a good book. Being home renews me and makes me feel safe and empowered to face to world again.

For many years, I lived in apartments and condos. And let me make clear that there is absolutely nothing wrong with apartments and condos, but I longed to have a house of my own some day. This being our first house it is the realization of a long held dream. It may not be large or fancy, but it is ours and it has taken good care of me during this challenging period of my life. No matter what we are facing, coming home continues to be a tremendous blessing. My home makes me feel"safe as houses."

NO EXCUSES - I MUST EXERCISE!. . . REPEAT. . . I MUST EXERCISE! (lol)

I started exercising again this week! I’m sore, but my back doesn’t hurt any more than before. It is just the normal ‘I haven’t exercised in a while’ sore. I’m very motivated to start taking better care of myself and exercise is central to taking better care of the only body I’ll ever get. I’ve been doing the Wii Fit yoga, running and step aerobics. I also used our treadmill one night this week. It feels good to be getting back on track with exercise. I’ve needed to do this for a while, but in all honesty – I’ve used my back pain as an excuse not to exercise. I should have been using it as a good reason to exercise!

Before my back problems, I used Kate as an excuse not to exercise. To be a good mom, I should spend all of my non working time with Katelyn. Because being unhealthy will do my daughter any good, right? I imagine before I had Kate, I had a different excuse not to exercise. It is so easy to come up with reasons not to do the best for our body and so difficult to make the decision to dedicate ourselves to exercise and other healthy habits.

I’m only on day 5 so I am by no means a role model yet. It will take time to get my body back in shape. But, I am totally motivated to be a good role model for my daughter. By taking good care of myself, I’m demonstrating to her the importance of self care. I also think it will make me feel better in every way – emotionally, physically and more. Wish me luck! Tonight I’m trying the hula hoop exercises (LOL).

HAPPY NO MATTER WHAT

It is amazing how happy you can be no matter what. There is so much joy to be had if we can only see it in the world around us. I woke up today in pain as always, but I was so happy to kiss my little girl awake this morning. It made me smile to put on a pretty dress and walk out my front door feeling good about myself. I was filled with joy in my car this morning as I looked at all of the beauty in the country. Indiana is truly a beautiful place to live! And as I write this, I am happy. Still in pain, still wearing a Ben gay patch (LOL), still wondering what will finally end my pain, but HAPPY.

Not only can we look around and see what there is in our lives to be happy about, but we can look at the lives of others and be grateful for what we don’t have in our world that others do. I am not facing a deployment to Iraq and neither is my husband. I am not facing a life threatening illness. I don’t live in a war torn country and I’m not facing poverty or loneliness. I am literally and truly one of the richest and most blessed individuals in the world. . . pain or no pain.

There is so much to be happy about no matter what. If you are facing a truly tough time, try to look at the things that are going right in your life even if it is the most basic stuff – being able to breathe without difficulty, being able to walk outside your door and not face bullets flying around your neighborhood, being able to love the people in your life, being able to give of yourself to others worse off than you. There truly is so much to be happy about whether my back heals or not.

His Grace Is Sufficient

"To keep me from becoming conceited. . .there was given me a thorn in my flesh. . . But he said to me, 'My GRACE is sufficient for you, . . ." (2 Corinthians 12). This is one of the passages from the Bible that our Pastor focused on this morning and it really spoke to me. Part of his message was that God works best in our lives when we are weak. I have found this to be true in my experience with chronic pain. I have discovered my dependence on our loving God through my pain. I am able to keep going daily because of my trust in God's love for me.

I believe that no matter what we are facing, we will be OK because of God's grace. "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day" (2 Corinthians 4:7-9, 16). This is the "I Will Survive" message found throughout the Bible. Because of my faith, I know that no matter how I'm struggling physically and/or mentally, God will get me through today, tomorrow, and the day after that.

Each new day poses both challenges and joys, but my pain is the same most days. In my opinion, the fact that I and so many others keep going no matter what can only be accounted for by the grace of God. It gives me the fighting spirit that gets me through. God's loving kindness moves me forward each day and gives me hope for tomorrow. His grace and kindness is indeed sufficient. Not only does it give me the will to rise above my pain, but it empowers me to do more for myself and for others.

Can't Stop Believing

It seems like just when I'm ready to accept what is in terms of my back, I get a little spark of hope. The part of me that doesn't want to get hurt again is irritated with the part of me that wants to believe the pain might go away. I was at the hair salon this morning and a friend from church told me a story about someone who was in a similar situation (i.e. tale bone pain) and it ended up to be a thyroid issue. Once that issue was taken care of, the tale bone pain was gone within a month. Ding, ding, ding, ding went the alarm in my head. Hope! Maybe, that's it! "Oh, but Melissa - don't get too excited," says that part of me that doesn't want to be disappointed yet again.

What is it about hope that makes you feel like you can conquer the world, overcome any obstacle? I LOVE that feeling! I think hope is like God whispering in your ear "Believe me! I've got great and wonderful things in store for you, little girl!" And I think He uses the wonderful people in my life to put little pieces of hope into my world. So even if the ideas people generously give me don't turn into the answer I'm looking for, I'm grateful for the smile that those ideas put on my face and the hope that fills my heart in the moment I have something new to look into that might take away the pain.

I wish the hopeful side of me would always win, but it doesn't. Sometimes I want to say, "Melissa, you idiot! This is your life; accept it. Don't get hopeful! You'll just get hurt again." I need to learn to tell this voice, in a nice way of course, "Shut the hell up! If hope is all I have, then don't take that away from me too! God told me He has great things in store for me and I CHOOSE to believe him. . . on a good day."

I Will Survive and Then Some

For a while, I felt like I should put a lot of stuff on the back burner until I was well. I did that for at least the first six months or so. I didn't take on anything new related to my career. I didn't take on extra activities outside work. I didn't do a lot of things. Then, I decided enough was enough. I was angry about giving stuff up because of my pain. I was done giving anything up because of my back problems.

My decision to keep moving forward no matter how much pain I am in has made a huge difference in my overall well being. I may be in pain when I do certain things, but there is no way in hell I'm going to avoid living my life because of the pain.

So, I go on rides with my daughter at the fair. I work as hard as I've always worked. I go to Chicago even though it involves 4 hours of sitting on a train. I run around with my daughter. I travel even though sitting on a plane is painful. I go out with my friends. I LIVE and I won't stop living because of my pain. I am viciously dedicated to not only surviving my pain, but continuing to thrive during this challenge. I will do more than survive this!

WHO REALLY CARES ABOUT YOU?

What impact will my back problems have on my daughter? I know she hears me talking about it all the time. I try to make it clear that this is my problem, an adult problem that she doesn’t need to worry about. Unfortunately, she takes after my sensitive ways and worries anyway. She prays for me every night at dinner. She asks me if my back hurts all the time. She tells people in her world about her mommy’s bad back. It bothers me that she worries about me so much, but I truly appreciate her concern and love.

When you are dealing with chronic pain, the people who love you hurt as well. They feel for you and want to make it better even though they know they can’t. They help you come up with new ideas that might help. They worry and pray for you. I think it bothers my mom the most. As a mother, it makes her feel awful that she can’t make this better for me.

I have known for a while that you find out who really cares about you during the challenges you face. When something bad happens to you, you find out who will be there for you no matter what. Knowing who really cares about me is another huge gift this experience has blessed me with and I’m grateful for that. Do you know who really cares about you? You’ll find out the next time life hands you a crisis.

How to Get from A to Z or Pain to Pain Free

I'm the type of person who when faced with a challenge, comes up with a detailed plan and follows it until the challenge is overcome. I get a notebook out, write down my ideas and work the list of to dos until I can say "mission accomplished!" I talk to friends, network with people in the know, read books, etc. I get the job done!

The most difficult thing about where I'm at now with my back pain is that I've worked my list and I'm pretty much out of things to try or I should say, I'm out of things I'm willing to try. I've worked my list and I'm still in pain. What do I do now? Accept the pain? Create another list? What would be on that list?

Maybe, it is not necessarily time to accept the pain, but time to let go a little. Maybe, I need to work on stress management and letting go of "the plan" for a while. It might do me more good than everything I've done combined. You never know what will finally lead to sweet relief. . . could it be that letting go of my perfectionist tendencies to over plan will finally ease my pain? I'm willing to give that a try! What do I have to lose?

"Have You Tried This?"

I often get the following questions from well intentioned people when it comes to my back pain: Have you tried physical therapy? Have you seen a back surgeon? Have you tried a chiropractor? Yes, Yes, and Yes! So, I'm going to get it all out - all of the things I've tried:

1. Oral steroids: They helped for as long as I was on them and then, the pain always came back.

2. Physical Therapy: I tried full courses of physical therapy at least 3 times, maybe more, and the pain either stayed the same or got worse.

3. Pain Management Doctor: I saw a pain management doctor over the course of about 6 months and had 3 or 4 epidural injections, etc. to no avail.

4. Spine Surgeon: I saw one of THE BEST spine surgeons between here and Chicago. He told me that the tale bone is a very challenging source of pain and he doesn't have any surgical options for me. Thanks, Doc!

5. Cleveland Clinic: The doctor at the Cleveland Clinic in OH told me that it looked like I had some pretty good doctors at home. She didn't disagree with their diagnosis and had no further answers for me. I'm so glad I went all the way to Cleveland for that!

6. Chiropractor: I saw a Chiropractor for over 6 months. He did adjustments, a new form of traction, and get this. . . a cold laser treatment. For weeks, I had to expose my rump while a laser worked on healing my back. Yes, desperation will make you do strange things. And of course, it didn't help!

7. Rheumotologist: The rheumotologist wanted me to be treated for a genetic disorder she believes I have even though I tested negative for it - the only way to find out if I really have it is to try an injected medicine. No thanks!

8. Acupuncture: This was my most recent adventure! I'm not saying it wouldn't eventually have worked, but I'm not going to experiment with it for almost $5,000 which I could make in two easy payments or they generously offered to give me a high % loan. Gee, thanks!

9. Prayer: Now we're at the point in my list where I get to the things that have actually helped. I went from the begging prayers "Oh, God, please God take the pain away. Give me my life back!" to "Please bless me as I wait for the pain to go away. Thank you for bringing healing my way." Going from the begging prayer (which we all do from time to time) to the faithful prayer is not a short distance. But, I truly do be live that God has a plan of healing for me; it's just a matter of time.

10. Support of My Friends & Family: So many of my friends and family are praying for me. They listen to me when I'm sad, angry, frustrated, or smiling with hope. I don't think I could have gotten through the last 20 months without them.

Thank you, God. Thank you, friends & family!

Live Through This

My parents lost a son to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (better known as SIDS) when he was two months old, the day after his baptism. My mom found him in his crib all blue and already gone. My dad found out at work. On the day of his funeral, my parents could not walk away from his tiny little casket at the cemetery. My Grandma White gently touched their shoulders and helped them to walk away.

Every challenge I've faced in my life pales in comparison to the death my parents had to live through - the worst death - the death of a child. My parents also both lived through cancer the very same year, my mom breast cancer and my dad prostate cancer. They've been married since they were 20 and they've definitely had their ups and downs. They are truly the strongest people I know.

In part, it is looking back at the strength my parents have shown in their lives that helps me to get through all my back stuff. And like my parents, there is an abundance of blessings that surrounds my pain. My daughter is bright and healthy. My husband, also my best friend, has a really good job. I have a ton of wonderful friends and loving family. These are the good old days that I'm living through in spite of the pain. It will NOT break me! I will live through this.

You Are What You Bear

I'm sure you've heard it as many times as I have: It is how you respond to adversity that shows your true character. In other words, the person you really are shows through in how you respond to the challenges in life. I think about this principle a lot when I'm deciding whether to indulge in feeling sorry for myself or to grin and bear the pain with strength and a positive attitude.

I tried to find the place in the Bible that talks about getting "double for your trouble," but I couldn't find it. I know it's there and what it means is that God will bless you doubly for every challenge you face. I don't think this means you'll win the lottery after facing a crisis. I think it means, in part, that you can become a better person, a stronger person after facing adversity. Becoming stronger is a huge blessing that an easy, pain free life might not provide. Not that winning the lottery wouldn't be great, but making some real positive changes in who we are is a longer lasting, more profound win!

I wish I could say that I've always chosen the positive, smile on my face attitude about my pain. A lot of the time I have, but there have been days when I let myself be grouchy, emotional and even angry about what is going on with my back. What I know for sure is that at the end of this pain (and I truly believe there will be an end),I am a better person for having faced this struggle. Strange as it sounds - it has been a blessing in disguise. Strange, huh?!? I wouldn't mind winning the lottery though!

What About Tomorrow?

It is hard for a Type A personally like myself to not focus on the future. What will happen with my career in the years ahead? What will Kate be like as she gets older? Where will we be living 5 years from now? The questions are endless.

When you are living with chronic pain, the questions become more short term. How will I get through this morning when after 2 hours of sitting, my back is killing me? How will I sit through that whole play we have tickets for on Sunday? I spent all that $ and now I might not enjoy it as much.

When you are living with chronic pain, you start fantasizing about a future that does NOT include Ben Gay patches and trying the next alternative therapy for pain. Being able to ride a bike again becomes a big goal. Being able to live w/o pain becomes the ideal future! I have come to the realization that my pain keeps me more focused on today and maybe that is the gift in all this pain.

Are You There God?, It's Me. . .Melissa

It's been one of those days! My daughter has decided to go through a bratty phase lately. My mom fell down and had to go to the ER. And every 3 seconds my phone or email demanded my attention. And to top it all off, I have had nails on a chalk board pain in my tale bone area. And all I really want to do is curl up with a good book in my jammies and say no to the world.

It is tempting to question God on days like this. Where is God when you feel like you're losing an uphill battle? Where is God when you feel like you are merely surviving your life instead of enjoying it? Where is God? He is right there next to you watching you with love in his heart. I truly believe that! God is there to keep you calm, to keep you going. I know without a doubt that I would not be the fighter I am without His love and grace.

God is in the details on days like today. He keeps me busy with my work so I can't focus on my pain too much. He helps me focus on helping others like my mom who needed me today so I remember what I'm on this earth to do. He helps me focus on my daughter who obviously needs more guidance so she can become an adult I'm proud to call my daughter. God is in the smile on my husband's face when he walks in the door after an equally challenging day at work. God is in the hug I received last night from my friend and fellow mother who knows what I'm facing with my sometimes difficult 5 year old. God is there even when we can't imagine him being part of our chaotic lives. He is here with me and that knowledge keeps me going when I want to give up.

Finding Meaning in Your Pain

Believe it or not, my back pain has made me a better person. I've grown in my faith, become stronger and more empathetic to other people facing challenges. I feel like I've gotten the lesson - slow down, enjoy your life and be grateful for the little things. Got it! Now, I want to move on, but it is just not working out that way.

For anyone who has tried alternative medical treatments for pain especially for the first time, you understand the nervousness and the struggle to remain open minded. . . oh, and keep your wallet open too because it is VERY expensive. On my first visit to a chiropractor, I had to cough up $3,000. After 4 acupuncture treatments, I was told it would cost over $4,000 to become pain free again. They get you in a little room and tell you, "don't you want to be able to have fun with your daughter again?, pick her up?, etc." Of course, I do! But, I don't need a guilt trip when I'm already in pain. It almost seems like they are taking advantage of a really vulnerable group, people like me who would do almost anything to have their pain free lives back.

Finding meaning in my pain is an ongoing struggle, to keep learning from what seems like the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Finding meaning in the mornings when I wake up figuring out what I'll need to do to function at work and in my life. Finding meaning in not being able to ride a bike with my daughter. Finding meaning in knowing that I'll really hurt if I clean my house. I continue to know that my pain is making me a stronger, better person, but I still want my life back . . .

Young and in Pain - 1st Entry

I never thought I'd be living in pain for almost 2 years when all of this first started. In January of 2009, I had pain that resembled the pain from a urinary tract infection. After receiving treatment for a uti, the lower back pain continued. Eventually, I was diagnosed with a bulging herneated disc in my lower lumbar and an inflamed sacroilliac joint (i.e. tale bone). I've undergone several rounds of physical therapy, steroids, epidural injections, and more. I've tried 6 months of seeing a chiropractor which included traction and a cool laser treatment. I've tried acupuncture. And all to no avail! I still live with chronic pain. I still hurt after long stretches of sitting. The pain and how to make it go away are still on my mind from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep.

I decided to start a blog to find out if there are other people out there young and in pain. I think it will be emotionally helpful to use this blog as a journal and also to reach out to others facing a similar situation. If you're out there, can you hear me?!?