I HATE MORNINGS

I can barely remember a time now when I didn't dread mornings. Its my absolute worst time of day. I'm reeling from the pain as I wake up and if I wake up earlier than I need to, the pain is so bad that there is no going back to sleep until my alarm goes off. The luxury of sleeping in on the weekends rarely happens for me now. It takes me a good 45 minutes or longer to feel human again like I can face the day. There are days when its not like this, but they are few and far between. Its like waking up sick every day.

I used to love waking up in the morning. I would quickly get over the initial disappointment of the alarm clock going off and start thinking about my day. I'm a person who loves to contemplate all that my day has to offer. I enjoy the little things in life a lot. I HATE that my back pain has changed my feelings about something as precious as waking up in the morning. I miss being pain free for many reasons, but this particular loss stands out for me.

Even though the pain continues, I have totally lost interest in seeking further help. I roll my eyes at the notion of trying anything else. Those first 2 years plus of trying so many different treatments has worn me out. I don't have it in me to try to get rid of the pain anymore. Acceptance just seems more doable and sadly, more realistic. My only hope is that it is not God's will for me to live the rest of my life like this. But, if it is, I'm still a truly blessed person. The abundance of blessings in my life will sustain me whether I hate getting up in the morning or not.

Want to Make God Laugh?

It is often said that if you want to make God laugh, make plans. That isn't to say you can't and shouldn't make plans. The point is not to get so attached to those plans that you're devastated when they don't come to fruition. My plans today were to spend the morning with Jeff since we both had today off for the holiday and spend the afternoon when Kate got out of school enjoying some family time. Unfortunately, we found out that our new kitten, Simba, needed immediate medical care for a continuing eye infection. He may need to have an eye removed. So Jeff is currently in Cicero taking our Simba to see an opthamologist for animals. I didn't even know there was such a profession!

In the larger scheme of things, we make bigger plans than how to spend a day off from work. We make plans for our careers, homes, vacations, kids, and more. If you're like me, you do get a little attached to your plans. You do invest a lot of time and energy into making the things you want in life happen. There's nothing wrong with that as long as you fit in room for God to do what he needs to do in your life. Its important to say 'yes, this is my plan, but I only want it to happen if it is God's will'. I want to live under God's umbrella and that cannot happen if I don't make room for what God wants to do through me, if I don't spend time praying and reflecting on God's words. You'll miss an abundance of blessings if God isn't part of your plans.

Living with chronic pain was not part of my plan for my life. But as I've written many times, it is obviously part of God's plan for my life and it has been a source of blessings in numerous ways previously noted. Its not something I planned for and it definitely isn't what I would have chosen. But, I trust that God is using the pain to get me to where I need to be. It is part of his perfect plan for my life and by embracing it, I show my faith in His plan. I believe in His plan for my life because I know He is working through me for a greater good. Do you believe in God's plan for your life? How do you make room for God in your plans? Think about it. . . and please say a little prayer for our Simba.

Its a New Day

I started my new part time job at Legacy Environmental Services on Monday. My first couple of days there went great. I start teaching at Ivy Tech tonight. Its a very busy time in my life, but God has been taking VERY good care of me. I can sense that its a new day, a new life for me.

Jeff's tale bone has been hurting a lot since he fell down the basement stairs on Friday. Yet, he still refuses to see a doctor - MEN! It hurts him most when he sits for long stretches. Its so similar to my pain, its frightening. He had to stand up during a meeting on Monday. The drive to and from South Bend for work makes his pain worse. I feel so incredibly bad for him. My hope and prayers are that this is an acute pain situation that goes away in the coming days/weeks.

If you let yourself, you can start to feel frightened of life. You can forget that there is a loving God intimately concerned about and involved in your life. He doesn't let bad things happen to you. Bad things just happen. Its our response to these challenges that demonstrate our faith or weaknesses in our faith. In all honesty, I often forget that God is taking care of me and those I love. I have this tendency to let my mind have thought attacks fearing the worst. I've fought this weakness in my faith my entire life. When bad things happen to good people, we fight like hell to stay in faith, but it can be very difficult.

God is leading me to where He/She knows I need to be. I believe that with all my heart. There are no coincidences. Everything that happens is within God's plan for our lives. Why is Jeff hurting? Its not because God doesn't love him anymore than my pain means God doesn't care about me. God is giving Jeff & I the opportunity to learn, to get stronger and to grow in faith. Pain can be a God given gift. . . if you choose to see it that way.

What a Good Scare Can Do

It has been an incredibly BLECH couple of weeks. The week after Christmas Kate had a major asthma flare up and was coughing herself sick. On New Year's Eve, I got the stomach flu and was sick for almost a whole week. And on Friday, Jeff fell down the basement stairs. I was literally sitting down and doing some reading for my Leadership Northwest Indiana course and thinking "Wow! Maybe, things are going to calm down now. I'm feeling better. Kate's feeling better." And then I heard Jeff falling down the stairs and screaming.

I can't tell you how I got from the chair and down the stairs to him so quickly. The adrenalin must have kicked in big time. I've never heard Jeff scream like that. . . ever! He fell from the top step and landed on his tale bone at the bottom of the stairs. Oh, the irony! He hurt his tale bone, the greatest source of my chronic pain. I couldn't believe it. I laid with him on the floor wanting to suck the pain out of him. I wanted to trade places with him. I'm used to being the one in pain and Jeff being my strong, healthy rock. I realized in those early minutes just how much I love Jeff and want to protect him from anything that hurts him.

Fortunately, Jeff seems to be suffering from a bruised tale bone, no broken bones, etc. Not that he went to the doctor to get checked out - nope, he is way too stubborn for that. He's hurting though. It hurts mostly when he sits. Boy, do I know how that feels! The most interesting thing for me is that because of the past three years of pain, I have such deep compassion for people who are in pain, even for people I don't know. It is a compassion I would not have to this degree if I hadn't experienced chronic pain. I guess you could say its a gift I'll always be able to give the people around me.

A good scare like what happened to Jeff makes me realize how fragile the people around us really are - they are loaned to us for such a brief time. I'll try hard not to forget this! That's what a good scare can do - ground us in the reality that life is short. Love the people around you with all your heart. Take good care of them and take good care of yourself!