I can barely remember a time now when I didn't dread mornings. Its my absolute worst time of day. I'm reeling from the pain as I wake up and if I wake up earlier than I need to, the pain is so bad that there is no going back to sleep until my alarm goes off. The luxury of sleeping in on the weekends rarely happens for me now. It takes me a good 45 minutes or longer to feel human again like I can face the day. There are days when its not like this, but they are few and far between. Its like waking up sick every day.
I used to love waking up in the morning. I would quickly get over the initial disappointment of the alarm clock going off and start thinking about my day. I'm a person who loves to contemplate all that my day has to offer. I enjoy the little things in life a lot. I HATE that my back pain has changed my feelings about something as precious as waking up in the morning. I miss being pain free for many reasons, but this particular loss stands out for me.
Even though the pain continues, I have totally lost interest in seeking further help. I roll my eyes at the notion of trying anything else. Those first 2 years plus of trying so many different treatments has worn me out. I don't have it in me to try to get rid of the pain anymore. Acceptance just seems more doable and sadly, more realistic. My only hope is that it is not God's will for me to live the rest of my life like this. But, if it is, I'm still a truly blessed person. The abundance of blessings in my life will sustain me whether I hate getting up in the morning or not.
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