The Secret to My Pain

Something very interesting happened to me over the weekend. I spent 3 days in Indianapolis hanging out with my mother-in-law. I don't have the typical relationship with my husband's mother. She & I are very compatible. Anyway, we spent our time together relaxing, shopping, dining and just having a good time. By Monday morning, I was taking two less pain pills/day and not using any Ben Gay patches for pain.

What was so different about those 3 days in Indy with my mother-in-law that led to this mysterious reduction in my pain? I was relaxed. I stepped away from the stresses of my daily life and just focused on having a good time. I was spending time with someone who I enjoy. I was doing all of my favorite things. It gave me some concrete evidence that stress makes my pain worse.

If I could reduce my stress, then my back pain would improve. That is easier said than done, but it gives me something concrete to work on during a time when I'm low on options. It is forcing me to think about things in my life that I need to consider eliminating. It is making me realize that I have more control over my pain than I realized. Maybe, I should take a class on meditation or force myself to take more time for prayer/meditation in the mornings. Maybe, I need to take a closer look at my life. Yes, that may be the secret to my pain. . .

How Did I Get Here?

During my morning prayers, I had a haunting thought. How did I get here? Here being a person who has chronic pain. Before this all got started, I could exercise, work, do anything within reason without pain and I didn't appreciate it. I didn't take care of my body the way I should have. I didn't exercise on a regular basis. I didn't always put good foods in my body. I didn't realize how dependant I am on my body for my happiness.

I've been thinking about this whole letting go, accepting my situation versus continuing the good fight. I'm trying to give myself some time to divorce myself from the situation, but it isn't going so well. I'm still thinking about it all the time. Work seems to be my only refuge. Focusing on my work is what gives me at least 8-10 hours day to escape my chronic pain dilemma, NOT the pain, but the worry about what to do about the pain.

I started Leadership Northwest Indiana (LNI) last week. It is a regional leadership program for local community leaders. Besides my wonderful family & friends, its this one bright shining light amongst the darkness that my pain causes. The whole program centers around the hope for a better community, a better tomorrow. And it forces me to think outside myself, outside my problems. Sometimes the only way to escape your problems is to focus on those around you who need you to rise up above your "stuff" and be some one's miracle while you wait on your miracle.

When Hope Is All You Have Left. . .

I went to see my primary care physician yesterday with a list of ideas on things to look into further so that I can finally get a diagnosis for my chronic back pain. He stared at my quietly while I carefully read through my list of ideas with pen and notepad on my lap. Then, he proceeded to say, "This may be for the rest of your life, Melissa. It may go away as mysteriously as it came, but it may not." Instead of excitedly agreeing to pursue getting a diagnosis, he pushed me to accept my pain. I can't say he is wrong because he might be right, but what bothers me is that he so quickly killed my hope. . . and when that's all someone has left, it seems cruel to take that away.

So now I'm faced with a critical decision - continue to pursue the diagnosis I feel I am entitled to even if it doesn't mean pain relief OR let go and hope the pain goes away some day. It seems to be a decision between continuing to be a fighter (my natural inclination) or quiet (possibly peaceful) acceptance which it totally NOT me. It is hard to know what is best for me. One thing I can still consider is heading over to the Mayo Clinic to see an internal medicine doctor who can look at my case more broadly, but that will be both expensive and potentially pointless.

I was reading about a theory of pain recently that says when you have chronic pain, it is more about a spiritual or emotional problem than actual pain. What the hell does that mean? Stress is causing my pain? Some lack of faith is at the root of my misery? Well, why are so many people who handle stress well and have more faith than me also facing chronic pain. Oh, how desperation is mental torture.

To accept or to fight? Please pray that I can come to some resolution on this.

There's No Place Like Home

I mentioned a book in a recent post called, "The Pain Chronicles" by Melanie Thernestrom. I had read reviews of this book in 3 places before I broke down and bought it. Maybe, I thought reading about other people dealing with pain would be too much, too real. Yesterday, I finally broke down and bought it and opened it up to the following statement:

"To be in physical pain is to find yourself in a different realm -- a state of being unlike any other, a magic mountain as far removed from the familiar world as a dreamscape. Usually, pain subsides; one wakes from it as from a nightmare, trying to forget it as quickly as possible. But what of pain that persists? The longer it endures, the more excruciating the exile becomes. Will you ever go home? you begin to wonder, home to your normal body, thoughts, life?"

It only took one read through these words for the tears to come for the first time in so long. I've held up good. I smile through. I tough it out. That's what we mothers do. No time to cry. Our commitment to being strong for our children wins out until it can't be won anymore. That's what happened to me this morning when I read the lines above. I cried and I mourned for the woman I used to be - so carefree, so strong. I too long for a normal body, normal thoughts, a normal life.

I was very tempted not to go to church this morning. Jeff had to work and I would be going by myself with Kate in the kids room. I just knew the possibility of me falling apart in front of others was too good to risk, but I risked it anyway. And I did pretty good until I noticed that two tables over was one of my dear friends. I took one look at her and the tears came again. The pastor's message seemed tailored for me. It was obvious God knew what I needed. Embarrassed or not, I got through the service. I'd been caught! I'm not as strong as I hope people think I am. They know that I cry too, that I'm not perfect. So now that the jig is up, what do I do? I pray and I ask that you pray for me too. . .

There's Always Someone Worse Off

I got an email this morning from one of the bravest women I know. My cousin, Jill, is the wife of a Major in the Army who is currently deployed in Afghanistan. So, she is also currently a single mom. Can you imagine taking care of two little ones on your own? I struggle as the mom of an only child and, let's face it, a VERY helpful husband. But, she does it and she does it well. She is a great mom, a great wife and one of my favorite people. She inspires me all of the time!

When we get tempted to feel sorry for ourselves, we need to remember that there are tons of people facing difficult situations. That didn't work for me last week. I was in it to win it - the battle of who can feel most sorry for themselves. And then today that email from my cousin made me think, "You are stronger than this, Melissa. You and Jill come from the same blood. You have it in you to be strong too!"

So that's what inspires me - women like Jill who face challenges with courage and strength. I'm done feeling sorry for myself. . . for now(LOL). I'm going to be strong again. I'm going to continue to fight and take good care of myself. Please do me a favor. If/when you pray, please pray for my cousin who needs God's grace and strength now more than ever.

Woe Is Me: A Top 10 List of Things I'm Sick of. . .

In the spirit of self pity, here is my TOP 10 LIST of things I'm sick of at this point:

10. I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself!
9. I'm sick of talking about my back!
8. I'm sick of wondering if I've been misdiagnosed and trying to figure out what is really going on with my body.
7. I'm sick of waking up in pain.
6. I'm sick of wondering if my life will always be like this.
5. I'm sick of Ben Gay patches!
4. I'm sick of smelling like Ben Gay patches! (LOL)
3. I'm sick of worrying my daughter and husband who want me to get well so badly.
2. I'm sick of using my open lunch hours to rest so I can get through the rest of the day in pain.
1. I'm sick of sucking it up and smiling anyway.

Boy, I'm just a bowl full of cheeriness this morning, aren't I? I am just in no mood to mask my current state of annoyance with this situation. As the two year marker approaches, I'm simply angry that this is still on the radar for me.

I'll get back to my suck it up and optimistic self soon, but for now I'm letting myself feel what I feel - sad and angry. Forgive me for not being myself but please understand that pain can beat down who you are from time to time. It is in charge and I am at its mercy. That is what it feels like to live in pain.

Keeping It Real

I am really NOT in the mood to be positive and cheery today. I'm in the mood to be totally honest. I'm definitely struggling with the back pain. The pain has been a little worse lately, but that is normal for me. The intensity changes all the time. One week it is very manageable and the next I want to scream. And on top of being in more pain lately, I just haven't been able to muster up the energy to grin and bear it. There is a time and a season for everything, right? Well, this must be the season for feeling low and blue.

I called my mom today just to hear the voice of the one person who I've always wanted near when I don't feel well. No one cares like mom, right? Husbands care. Friends care, but mom would set herself on fire for you if it meant she could 'make it all better.' I am lucky to have that kind of mom. I did feel better after talking to her, but I'm still low and I have to force myself to see that feeling what I feel is acceptable and normal.

I can't always be Mrs. Positive Driven Enthusiastic Melissa. Sometimes I need to lay low, pull into my shell and feel what I feel. You can't rush through the emotions and thoughts you are having. Well, I guess you can, but that isn't being kind to yourself. My body is going through too much for me to put it through the stress of stuffing my feelings too. If you are reading this, I ask for your prayers. I accept and believe that I need them. I believe God could work through you to bring me the miracle I need.