When the War Is Over

If you are a mom or dad, you know how wonderful it feels to hold your child after a long day at work. For the longest time, I didn't pick my daughter up because of my back pain. Now granted, she is 6 years old and probably shouldn't be carried any longer, but she was 4 when my back pain started. I've recently decided that I'm going to pick her up from time to time because she is only going to be this little once. She is only going to want me to hold her for a short while longer and I'm not giving this up. Pain or no pain, there are many things I've decided not to give up.If I waited until I was well to do the things I want to do, I wouldn't do much.

I had thought about doing the Susan G. Komen 3 Day Walk for the Cure before all of my back stuff started. I decided against it because 60 miles in 3 days just sounded too ambitious. Last year, two of my close friends did the 3 day. I was so excited for them. When they left for Chicago that weekend, I had this sense that I was being left behind even though that wasn't rational. I wanted to be there with them. I wanted to support this great cause that wants to help women like my mom, a two time breast cancer survivor. I could wait until my back is well before I sign up to do the 3 day, but then I may never do it. If back pain is my new reality, I have to keep doing the things that I want to do no matter what. I truly feel honored and overjoyed that I will get to be a part of the 3 day in Chicago this summer.

What else have I been waiting to do until my back got well? Picking up my daughter and being a part of the 3 day are only two examples of the things I've avoided in the hopes that one day this magic bullet will come along and relieve my pain. When the war is over, I'd go home. Well, the war goes on and I'm not going to stop living because of it. I refuse! I may have to accept being in pain long term, but I don't have to accept living a life without risk and adventure. Things that I want to do might be harder because of the pain, but NOT impossible. I see that now - yet another blessing that has come from my pain.

Where Did This Story Begin?

Where did this all begin? If you've been reading my posts and don't know my story, you may be wondering how my pain started. On a cold January morning in 2008, I woke up with lower back pain. It was like a nails on a chalk board ache. I figured I had a urinary tract infection (UTI) so my doctor treated me for that, but by the time I finished my medicine I received a phone call from my doctor that it was NOT a UTI. The pain continued to get worse and worse. After my doctor ordered an MRI, he discovered that I had a bulging herniated disc. I now understand that many people over 30 have disc issues, but they don't always experience pain from it. My doctor put me on oral steroids and sent me to physical therapy. After trying several different treatments, the summer of 2009 began with me being hospitalized. The pain was so intense I could barely stand. It was during this hospitalization that my doctors determined that I had an inflamed sacroiliac joint. That's your tale bone. And I've been in pain ever since.

From doing a lot of reading and discussing my condition with my doctors, it seems clear that what began as acute pain has turned into a chronic pain condition. This means that my sacroiliac joint might be healed by now, but the pain has continued anyway. What I've moved into is a neurological condition. In other words, the pain just won't go away and no one knows why. The last time I spoke to my doctor earlier this month, he began pushing me to move toward acceptance. To some extent, that has made things less miserable for me. It was exhausting always chasing that magic bullet that would lead to pain relief. That is not to say that I'm not sad about my situation. I am. I'm just not fighting it anymore. I may take up that fight again at some point in the future, but for now I'm coming to more of a peace with the pain.

How did I get to where I am today? It began on a day like any other. I recently read a quote in a book that your life can change forever based on what can happen in a single day. That is most definitely what happened to me. The fight to become pain free became a salient part of my identity. I refused to give into this thing. I HATED it like an enemy. It saddened me like a painful relationship. And now that I've stopped fighting it, I realize how much energy it was taking to refuse to accept my situation. Things may get better. They may not, but I now refuse to remain in a constant state of fight. It is just too exhausting and the return on investment is poor.

Can Never Go Home Again

As part of my work, I hear a lot of presentations aimed at senior citizen audiences. Today, I heard a speaker on proper posture. He discussed healthy ways to pick things up off the floor, the best way to shovel/rake leaves without causing injury, etc. At 34, I shouldn't have to worry about my body the way an 80 year old should, but I do. This back condition has made me a little afraid of what can happen to my body - anything that could happen to my body. I'm no longer under the delusion that I am young and nothing can hurt me. I now know that bad things can and do happen to your body that change your entire way of life.

The desire to go back home again to my way of being and thinking before my back started hurting makes me feel sad and creates a longing in me as if I'm remembering someone who has died. In a way, someone did die, the Melissa who didn't even have chronic pain on the radar, the Melissa whose body hadn't failed her. . . yet. I long for the woman who didn't know what life had in store for her body. What would I tell the Melissa who wasn't hurting yet? Enjoy your life now. Life is precarious. You're going to need a lot of strength for this, girl! CARPE DIEM! Brace yourself - this is going to hurt you more than you can imagine in obvious and not so obvious ways.

I truly wish I had appreciated the life I had before pain became an everyday way of life for me, but I don't wish I had known what was ahead of me. It is better to focus on today, not what happened or didn't happen in the past and certainly not what things might happen to you in the future. So, I guess I would tell the old Melissa, live for today. It is a gift! I need to be reminded not to worry about what might happen to me physically down the road. I need to relax and enjoy what I have today NO MATTER WHAT. Tomorrow is not guaranteed to be a better day. We can only hope that it is.

What Doesn't Kill You. . .

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Some days I feel like telling God, "I'm strong enough! No challenges today, OK?!?" That's on a bad day. On a good day, I am somewhat comforted by the notion that our pain has meaning. There is something good that comes out of the worst times in our lives. We're more ready for the challenges in the future. We'll be more appreciative of the good times when they come.

When I think back on the most difficult times in my life, I can see how they informed my future decisions. I can understand how they impacted who I am today. For example, when I was 16, both of my parents had cancer. My dad had prostate cancer and ended up having his prostate removed. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and had a mastectomy. At the time, I wanted all of that heavy life stuff to just go away much like how I want my back pain to go away now. But, that time in my life changed me, made me grow up a little faster and absolutely made me stronger.

What we live through makes us more capable of handling what comes our way in the future. Life is not easy. I don't even think it was intended to be without challenges. The most interesting and loving people I know have lived through some really hard times. And while we often wish away our problems hoping they'll go away as quickly as they came upon us, we are better people for going through difficult times. It is what makes us more compassionate members of the human family.