Every Day Can't Be a Cozy Day at Home

I didn't write last week because I made a commitment to myself that my focus was going to be totally on my 6 year old and our new family member, our kitten Simba. It was a TOTALLY relaxing week! Kate and I stayed in our PJs a lot. We played with our new kitten a lot. We enjoyed our Christmas gifts without leaving the couch. . you guessed it - a lot. But, by the end of the week - the stress starting breaking into our cozy little world. Christmas day was VERY high energy and that can be exhausting in and of itself. The day after Christmas can be a little depressing and for me, it also meant thinking about returning to work the next day - YUCK!

That being said, I started this week doing well. I still had that glow of a woman whose been given the opportunity to relax and spend the holidays at home. Then, after I got out of bed (LOL), my day really got started with a sick kid and a needy cat. I had to schedule a doctor appointment for my asthma stricken kid and make sure it fit in between my work appointments. I had to make sure the kitten had everything it needed before I tucked him away for the day. I had 10,000 emails to answer when I arrived at work. Where did that holidays at home, calm Melissa go? My sense of zen was quickly falling apart.

My back pain was improving (definitely not getting worse) before the stress of this week. But, I can't spend my life huddled at home stress free. I MUST learn to handle the stress. I need to focus on being balanced. My quality of life depends on it. When I don't manage my stress, the pain is worse. I learn this over and over again.

What is the key to managing stress well? Answer: I don't know. I do know that I need to work on my response to the everyday challenges of life. I need to keep perspective. I need God. . . and I've been forgetting God lately. I've been disengaged with my spiritual life and my body can tell. Time to pray. Time to deal with my stress in better ways because every day can't be a cozy day at home.

Not So Happy Anniversaries

Anniversaries are a time to celebrate a milestone in a relationship, a job, something big that began X number of years ago. My husband, Jeff, and I will celebrate 10 years of marriage this June. I celebrated 6 years of motherhood this past August. These are good milestones to celebrate, but there are often anniversaries of sad occasions that mark something bad that happened to us or to someone we love. In November, my mother always notes the number of years ago that she found her two month old son dead in his crib at two months old. It is a month marked by remembrance of his short life, how old he would be now, and what might have been. These are the worst and most unimaginable anniversaries. Other bad ones include the anniversary of a spouse's death, the dissolution of a marriage or for me - the start of a life in pain.

As of this coming January, I will have lived every day of my life in pain for 3 years. Its crazy to think that when this all this started, I believed that the pain would last a few weeks or months at the very worst. Miles ago I began the search for answers, a solution and here I am hundreds of days later no further along than when I began. How can I look at this anniversary positively? Well, while many people would have fallen into depression and despair after one year of this nails on a chalkboard pain, I am still remaining positive (on most days - LOL) and fighting to focus on the blessings in my life and not the pain. Whether you have chronic pain or not, we all fight this particular fight. Its the battle to focus on the now, the present or gift that is this moment. Its the struggle to remain positive and live in faith no matter what happens.

If my mother can remain one of the most positive and friendly women you will ever meet after losing a child, battling breast cancer twice, undergoing umpteen surgeries, facing financial crises and more - then I certainly can keep going and trying to live my best life in spite of the pain. I see the beauty in my life more clearly now because of the pain. I see friends who stick by me no matter what. I see a husband who has truly stuck by me in sickness and in health. I see a generous and loving daughter who offers to rub my back when she sees me in pain. I see a mother and father who would switch places with me in a second if it could take the pain away. I see my life as richly blessed from the unique perspective of someone who lives in pain. At some point, I must have made the decision to live my life in spite of the pain, to live fully and consciously in this richly blessed life that is mine.

Smiles Can Hide Struggle

I've been going through a lot lately. On a scale of 1-10, my stress level has been at least an 8. I've never been good when major areas of my life are uncertain at best. Change is inevitable for me right now and that makes me nervous and excited at the same time. Change is good. I know that, but it doesn't change the fact that change is also stressful. And I believe that how I handle this stress in the months ahead will determine how my back responds. In other words, if I don't handle the stress (good stress and bad stress) well, my back pain will probably get worse. At bare minimum, it won't get better if I don't handle stress in a positive way.

What does it mean to handle stress well? I guess it means that you don't curl up in a ball in the fetal position at minimum and at best, you are unscathed by the stress. Sometimes no one can tell you are going through a lot. I've ALWAYS been good at that. With the exception of family and a few close friends, its hard to tell what I'm going through - good, bad or indifferent. I see that as a strength, but I'm sure it makes the people around me wonder, "What don't I know about Melissa?"

At the root of my unwillingness to show stress is a childhood filled with uncertainty. I'm not saying, "Oh, poor me! My childhood was rough." What I am saying is that when you have sick parents, economic uncertainty, etc., you learn to show a smile when on the inside you are very scared. My parents lost a child, faced sickness, financial crises and more without falling apart. So how can I give myself permission to fall apart facing much less? I can't and I won't. So if you see me smiling, please note that it in no way indicates that I'm just fine, doing great. It does, in fact, indicate God's strength in me and the blessings of a less than perfect childhood.