Laugh or Cry? I Choose LAUGH!

Do you remember the scene in Poltergeist when the irresistibly cute little girl stands in front of the TV saying "They'rrrrrrrrre Herrrrrrrre!" I sure do. The clown scene alone from that movie forever changed my opinion on clowns! That's sort of what it feels like when my back pain has been manageable for a while and all of a sudden the pain worsens BIG TIME! That happened to me over the weekend. It might be because I was fighting off a virus. It might be because I was getting in all sorts of weird positions and doing more lifting than usual as I decorated my house for Christmas and wrapped a bunch of Christmas presents. It might be because instead of resting yesterday, I decided to do a 3 mile hike in the woods. It might be because I'm really stressed out about my work situation. For whatever reason, I had burning pain by this morning and the general ache in my tail bone area was more of a nails on a chalk board pain. Yep, its back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Big sigh and an UGH!!!

Just when I start to think, I've got this covered and can handle it, I'm slowed down again. My body fails me again. Every other 34 year old woman can do what I did over the weekend and face the same challenges without life changing pain. As much as I try not to get down, I do sometimes feel messed with by this whole chronic pain crap! I told my husband the other day that as of this January, I will have been dealing with back pain for 3 years. MY GOD! 3 years of my life in pain - that's almost 1,100 days trying to figure out what I can do to live pain free again. That's over 1,000 days of figuring out how to manage my life in pain. What will it take to get over this hurdle? Will I ever be pain free again? Will it eventually get worse and stay worse? These questions haunt me and keep me up at night sometimes.

Finding meaning in your pain is easier to do when the pain is managed and you can look back and gain perspective. It is soooo much more difficult to have perspective when you're sitting on a cushion as you work because you're in that much pain. But, you gotta laugh, right? The alternative is crying and I've never been big on crying. So what could make me laugh right now? Hmmmmmmmm. . . I recently almost ate a piece of soap that I thought was a granola bar while visiting an expo booth for Au Naturel Market. I literally put it in my mouth and EWWWWWWWWWWWWW! Taking yourself too seriously never helps any challenge. So, now I'm going to try to laugh because I'll be damned if I'm going to cry.

To Relax or Not To Relax - Your Body Will Know

What a weekend I had! My husband and I stayed in a cabin at Potato Creek State Park near South Bend. We hiked, ate, ate some more, napped, read lots and basically got to know each other again. It really wasn't a good time to take a break from life. But, if we waited until things calm down, we might be waiting until Kate is 18 - no, 22 - no married - no NEVER!!!! It is amazing how a break like that can revitalize you and get things into perspective. I am definitely one to get all wrapped up in the details of life and forget what's really important. I was reminded this weekend how empowering it can be just to let go for a while.

There are many people from many different backgrounds who would claim that my chronic pain situation stemmed from something more mental than physical. In other words, toxic emotions like stress and anxiety caused my back pain. I don't know if I believe that or not, but it sure gets me thinking about the role of stress and anxiety in my wellbeing. When I was 20, I developed Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS). I KNOW that was caused by stress. It was something that totally altered my daily life, my quality of life. It came with stress and went away over time when things calmed down and I got some perspective. Maybe, my back pain came and will go away in a similar way.

What I know for sure is that poorly managed stress damages our quality of life, both physically and mentally. When I am stressed, I can't be the mom I want to be. I can't be the wife and friend I want to be. I can't have the life I want to live if I don't manage my stress. So, yes, this weekend was not a good weekend to go away. I had Thanksgiving to get ready for, leaves to rake and household chores to get done. But, can I afford not to take care of myself? Can I afford not to take care of my marriage? I believe the answer is a definite NO!

The Blessing of Forgetfulness

I have usually written my weekly post for this blog by now, but something strange happened this week. My back pain was so in the back of my mind that I forgot to write about it. I think that's a good thing, a new thing that may be healing for me. My hyper focus on my "pain" has gone away. Do I still wake up in pain? Yes. Do I still hurt when I've been sitting for long stretches? Yes. Do I still stand up and feel stiff? Yes. But, my brain has been dismissing it and my thoughts have went into other places.

I'm certain that this has happened, at least in large part, because I've just been so busy lately at home and at work. I don't have time to worry about my back or concentrate on when the pain will go away. I don't have time for obsessive thinking about it. When we go through something very difficult, we often stay busy as a coping mechanism. Its a coping mechanism that has been working very well for me. Call it denial. Call it acceptance. I prefer to call it moving on. I prefer to think of it as letting go in the hopes that the pain will get better with acceptance that it may not.

When I think about the various ways I've approached my chronic pain situation, I feel proud at how far I've come and all that I've learned about myself and about life. I've said many times that this has been the strangest blessing I've ever had. I still wish the pain would go away. I still have the occasional moment of panic and distress that I still have to deal with this. But, for the most part, I continue to live my life. I continue to be the Type A Melissa striving to realize my dreams and enjoy my family & friends. And I thank God for all the moments I forget the pain!

Stress & Pain

STRESS!!! If I ever doubted that stress makes my back pain worse, a stressful morning, afternoon or day is there to prove me wrong. I was doing great last week, feeling fine. I let myself get overly stressed out on Friday for a multitude of NOT GOOD ENOUGH reasons. By Friday afternoon, I was hurting like I hadn't in a long while. It was a big wake up call that I need to work on my response to stress.

My naturally calm, cool and collected husband often reminds me to not focus on things I have no control over. But, what else can I do to improve my stress levels? 1. Keep things in perspective. There is ALWAYS someone worse off than I am. 2. Exercise more. Exercise ALWAYS makes me feel less stressed out. 3. Meditate and Visualize. I definitely do NOT spend enough time being still, quiet and reflective. 4. LAUGH and enjoy the people in my life. Laughing makes me feel so light. My friends & family help me to keep things in perspective. There is so much we can do to reduce stress and anxiety when we really think about it.

So, now I have a list of things I can do that will help me to avoid getting so stressed out the next time around. And maybe, just maybe I won't end up in lots of pain because of poorly controlled stress. If you have ideas on things that help you relax, post them here. I'd love to hear how you manage stress. . . Until next time, live, laugh & love - the 3 big Ls!

What You Resist Persists

It has been amazing how little I've thought about my back lately. It used to be the first thing I thought about when I woke up in the morning, the last thing I thought about as I went to sleep at night and heavily dispersed thoughts about it throughout each and every day. It was a major topic of discussion. It was THE MAJOR FOCUS of my life and my energy. I was so hurt and upset when my doctor told me to move toward accepting my chronic pain. I felt like I had been slapped in the face, but acceptance has turned out to be the biggest pain reliever I've tried. My back just isn't hurting as much. Or it is hurting the same and just not getting my attention the way it did before I starting letting go of finding the magical cure to end my pain.

Another thing that has helped a lot is keeping myself busy and focused on helping others. As I wrote last week, I recently signed up to do the Susan G. Komen 3 Day Walk for the Cure in Chicago this summer. My Operation Christmas Child project with my good friend, Stephanie, is drawing to a close this week. It looks like we'll be able to donate over 100 Christmas boxes for children around the world. My daughter and I are going to help pack Thanksgiving baskets for local families in need in a couple of weeks. When I'm focused on projects like these, the pain just gets better. When I was primarily focused on various treatments and the mental torture of figuring out what would cure me, the pain was getting the better of me.

Maybe, the point of the pain is to help me become the person I really am or am meant to become. Maybe, I wasn't living the life I was meant to live. I wasn't taking enough risks, being too selfish with my time, talents and treasures. Trying to find meaning in your pain is the trick, but once you've found that meaning - your pain becomes a gift. Don't get me wrong. I still have pain. I still need to wear those damn Ben Gay patches (LOL). I'm just not letting the pain get the best of me lately and I feel the best I've felt in a LONG TIME.